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  • Writer: Robert Giron
    Robert Giron
  • Jan 15, 2021

Updated: Nov 30, 2021

The Constellation of Scorpio

by Julyan Peard


The Constellation of Scorpio

by

Julyan Peard.


I.


Frances Serena Huxtable

San Esteban

December 10th, 1872


Today I am starting a new diary, my Argentine diary, and for Apthorp’s sake, I will be happy here.


San Esteban

January 2nd, 1873


It is strange to inhabit someone else’s house. It is not Felipe’s presence I am aware of, but Antonia’s. What is it about her that makes me so curious? So desirous of knowing more? She possesses a magnetism, which was clear to me the moment I saw her; but not only because she is a handsome woman, or because she wears her long hair loose in a way a lady should never do and states her opinions with the self-assuredness of a man. Rather, it is something about the intensity with which she engages with you asking questions, pondering answers, so that you can almost see in her eyes an unbounded thirst for knowledge. On nights when I cannot sleep, I lie between her cool satin sheets, feeling I know things that only someone intimate with her would know: the way her side of the bed dips away from the center; the way the night’s shadows pattern her wall. Curiosity drives me to delve through her cluttered cupboards and shelves, where I come across odd-shaped pieces of driftwood and arrowheads and desiccated moths pinned to boards; endlessly I peruse her books, and study passages she has marked. In a medical treatise on the health of women, she has underlined references to water cures, women’s infertility, and the dangers of ‘uterine furor.’ (What is this? Apthorp would know, but I cannot bring myself to ask him about something that sounds distinctly unseemly). In a little volume authored by a Mrs. Turner (and published in Boston, but I have not heard of her!), she has heavily marked the following statement: “Woman throw off the shackles and rise to the newness of life!” That would shock some of my friends in Boston.

I would love to explore the workroom on the top floor. But it is the one part of the house she asked us not to use, and I should not like to feel a trespasser.


San Esteban

January 4th, 1873


Why, I wonder, have Antonia and Felipe not have children? How very bleak my life would be without them!



“Take charge of the astronomical observatory in San Esteban,” Apthorp remembers the visiting Argentine statesman saying to him in Boston. “It must be completed and put into operation. Sadly, my own people have let the project languish.”


Apthorp had always wanted to make a noteworthy contribution to science, and he liked what he heard about San Esteban: an unmatched transparency of the skies ideal for star gazing; a place where he would be the undisputed boss; the promise of generous revenues. He jumped at the opportunity. In preparation, he ordered the best quality instruments from the finest craftsmen in the country, and some he requested all the way from Germany: a meridian circle from Repsold with a four and a half-inch aperture, an equatorial refractor fitted with a Fitz object-glass. From Washington, he ordered a copy of Gillis’ indispensable catalogue of seventeen thousand stars charted in Chile. Apthorp’s task was to complete the catalogue.


In their brief stopover in Buenos Aires, whenever Apthorp mentions their final destination, someone says, “You must look up Felipe Zuñiga.” Apthorp learns he is a painter, and that his wife, the beautiful Antonia (and it is his wife everyone goes on about), comes from a prominent family exiled during the troubled political times, when the family moved restlessly from Montevideo to Rio de Janeiro, Philadelphia, and Havana. Antonia, people inform him, is a naturalist and a botanical painter, and the most brilliant woman in the country. In fact, Apthorp has already received a note from her saying that she and her husband will be honored to have an astronomer of such repute stay in their home in San Esteban until he finds permanent accommodation. You will have the house all to yourselves, she has written, for my husband and I are leaving on a European tour. Apthorp is happy to accept her generous offer. Still, he wonders, why is Antonia so trusting when she’s never even met him? But the statesman, now hosting Apthorp in Buenos Aires, explains, “For Antonia Zuñiga, the credentials of science are always enough.”


Now they have arrived in San Esteban. His little girls, Suzy and Lulu, released from the carriage’s long confinement, run ahead towards the arched veranda of a large two-story house, its walls covered in blue and yellow Spanish tiles. They stop suddenly when they encounter a woman who stands under one of the arches wearing a gauzy white shawl that flutters in the warm evening breeze. Laughing softly, she draws the children towards her, even as they struggle in unfamiliar arms. This must be Antonia. Almost regally she turns and beckons to Apthorp and Frances, who, after months of travel from Boston to Buenos Aires and across the pampas to San Esteban, climb down from the carriage weary but elated. To relieve the cramp in his back, Apthorp takes a deep breath and stretches his arms up high over his head.


He likes the look of the place; he thinks this will do nicely until their own place is ready. Far away he sees a winding river and the purple line of high sierras. He is especially pleased with the clear sky.


“We’ve been waiting for you,” Antonia says. “Felipe,” she calls, and a tall, slender man emerges from the shadows. His blue eyes and fair hair, soft against his temples, are a contrast to Antonia’s black hair and thick black brows. Despite his slightly rumpled grey jacket, he has an easy elegance.


A handsome couple, Apthorp thinks.


Servants unload the luggage, the cook serves a simple beef dish, after which, Vinnie, the girls’ nanny, takes the girls off to bed and retires herself. Apthorp and Frances join their hosts on the terrace. It is a warm summer evening. A gentle gust pleasantly ruffles Apthorp’s thinning hair, cooling the day’s heat. The last streaks of evening pink retreat into the night.


Antonia intrigues Apthorp. She seems up to date on everything. She plies him with questions about Boston and astronomy and Unitarianism (the pragmatism of American Protestantism, she says, attracts her immensely). Next, learning he’s received his degree in astronomy at the University of Göttingen, she asks him all about Germany. What does he make of the recent short but terrible war? And of Chancellor Bismarck? She turns to Frances. Is it true American women are demanding an education equal to that of their brothers? Frances smiles nervously, and before she can answer, Felipe asks Apthorp, “So tell us: What do you hope to accomplish here?”


“I’m here to map the southern skies,” Apthorp answers. “The northern hemisphere’s been done. But we have only spotty data for the southern chart.”


He dreams of recording a greater number of stars than any other astronomer in history; he’d like to introduce some clarity to the southern skies. Only Frances knows the extent of his ambition.


They talk now of cosmographical pioneers going back to the earliest Iberians, who returned from the New World with exaggerated stories of how the skies in the south, ablaze with larger, brighter and more beautiful signs and shapes than any seen in the north, affected men’s behavior in strange ways.


“We badly need men of science like you to bring progress to our country,” Antonia says. Head slightly down, her eyes latch on to his. “The long night of our Spanish colonial enclosure has not yet ended.” Her gaze is so captivating that Apthorp is no longer weary.


“I have often wondered,” Apthorp addresses Antonia, “Why the Spaniards made such a pitiful contribution to celestial knowledge? In fact, to any knowledge about this part of the world? Their legacy seems to have been ignorance!”


The sharp tone of Antonia’s retort surprises him. “Nothing here is as pristine as it looks. Our local people have accumulated knowledge that would surprise you. Their silence is not always ignorance.”


Apthorp notices Frances. Flyaway strands of her silky brown hair and a hairpin or two have fallen away. She is nodding off to sleep. It’s time for bed.


The next day Antonia and Felipe leave for Buenos Aires, from where they will sail for Europe. With Suzy and Lulu’s peals of high-pitched laughter echoing all around, Apthorp and Frances explore the house. They avoid only Felipe’s and Antonia’s workroom right at the end of the corridor on the upper floor. “The room is locked,” Antonia has said. “I’d be quite ashamed if you saw them in their present disorderly state.”


Apthorp is delighted to find the library filled with scientific books in several languages. There is a copy of Johann Bayer’s great Uranometria alongside Felix de Azara’s Voyage dans l'Amérique méridionale depuis 1781 jusqu'en 1801 and the English edition of Alexander von Humboldt’s Personal Narrative of Travels to the Equinoctial Regions of the New Continent. There are books on flora and fauna and the races of humanity. Apthorp’s interest is piqued by a book titled Für Darwin. It is by Friedrich Müller, an author whose name he does not recognize. Across the flyleaf the dedication is in German: Rio de Janeiro, 1866. To Antonia, In her quest for scientific knowledge, tireless as a man; but always a woman. It is signed Fritz.


It has been surprising to find such a highly educated woman in this back-and-beyond place. It is good to know that there are some people here with inquiring minds, something he and Frances so valued living in Boston.


Later Frances, who likes to practice her little Spanish on anyone she can, tells him she’s heard rumors among the locals about Antonia and Felipe. People say they are godless and that they dabble in sinful things.


“It must take very little to be badly spoken of among these narrow-minded Papists,” Apthorp replies.



San Esteban

January 12th, 1873


Her watercolors hang all over the house. Next to her minutely detailed renderings of local wildflowers, Felipe’s oil paintings of sierras and colonial churches seem dull. She dabs leaves and stalks and petals with astonishingly colorful insects; a bright green caterpillar with a pearl on each segment and bristling hairs; a purple butterfly, its wings framed in jagged black. They are beautiful, but her pictures also impart an unsettling quality. What triumphs in them is the coldly scientific, rather than a celebration of God’s bounty.


San Esteban

February 21st, 1873

Apthorp is encountering one difficulty after another. All the astronomical instruments he needs to carry out his work are sitting in the Customs House in Buenos Aires, and neither Heaven nor Earth and not even the highest authorities in the land seem able to speed the items on their way. Today I went for a walk with the girls. We wandered through a maze of pretty lanes and rambled through woods and balanced on steppingstones to cross pleasantly gurgling streams. The girls tried to catch the tiny golden fishes which kept darting away just as they thought they’d caught one.

Later the neighbors came round with a gift for the girls: a puppy. Oh! The delighted shrieks of glee and merriment! They’ve named him Galileo!



Apthorp doesn’t have time to correspond with Antonia and Felipe, but he is glad that Frances does. The more he sees of local people, the happier he is that Antonia and Felipe live here, and he looks forward to their return. So far, they are the only people with whom he’s had an intelligent conversation. Frances keeps him up to date on their trip, and when she informs him, they’ve decided to stay away at least six months longer than planned, he is disappointed. But, because of the slow way things are moving with the observatory and his house, both still under construction, the delayed return may turn out to be something of a blessing. Clearly, neither will be ready on schedule.


There are days Apthorp thinks that had he known just how difficult things would be he would have turned down the offer. Because of the ineptness of the locals, he has been forced to oversee the building of his house and of the observatory, the latter in a far more unfinished state than the visiting statesman had ever led him to believe. He has to make decisions about masonry and carpentry and plumbing and roofing; in the observatory, he also supervises the installation of the iron floors and stairways and shutters and, the trickiest job of all, the revolving dome.


He can’t believe the dust; it is everywhere. Thin, slippery powder hanging in the air, descending slowly, shrouding clocks and chronometers and telescope lenses, and making the sheets of paper, where he’s recording celestial observations, gritty and unpleasant to touch. Still, despite the dust and the unfinished state of the observatory, he’s wasted no time getting down to his scientific work. When the young assistants he hired in Boston arrive before the astronomical instruments --the latter delayed by the baffling amounts of paperwork demanded by the Argentine customs, all of which moves at snail’s pace-- he puts them to work with small binoculars, with which they map 7,000 stars between the South Pole and 10° north declination.


He feels a glow of satisfaction as he thinks of how much he’s achieved despite the difficult circumstances. Things will certainly be easier once the house is finished, and his home and work are close together.


On cloud-blanketed nights when starwatching is impossible, he writes detailed letters to his scientist friends back home to tell them of his progress (and also to assuage his fear that he might be sinking into oblivion.) He asks them to find him a good photographic assistant so he can continue his work in celestial photography, the newest branch of astronomy that so attracted him in Boston. In addition to charting and labelling stars, he wants to be the first person to photograph the southern skies. When one friend writes to say he’s found a young German physicist familiar with photographic processes, Apthorp telegrams, “Hire him!” and while he waits for the man’s arrival, he has a photographic room set up with a sink and a stoneware water filter and a spacious counter. A few months later, the young physicist arrives. Otto is slightly built and heavily mustached. Introducing himself, he thrusts out a firm hand, which he otherwise keeps just inside his jacket, Napoleon-style.


Apthorp draws up a list of the clusters they will photograph.


Otto unpacks the materials and equipment he’s brought, and places rows of blue glass bottles on the newly built shelves. He tests the chemicals and reagents. He prepares the glass plates for the exposures. On a vividly black night, the young assistant astronomers, together with Apthorp and Otto, assemble in the observatory, and Frances and even Suzy and Lulu are invited along for the occasion of the first celestial photograph of the southern hemisphere. Apthorp prepares to set up the crucial object glass which lies inside the leather case he has brought from Boston, still wrapped in layers of protective velvet. He removes the final protective layer. Everyone crowds around.


They stare at the glass. Shattered into two jagged pieces.


There is a shocked silence, and then a faint dripping sound. Turning to see what it is, Apthorp notices that the water filter is cracked, and water is dripping onto the floor.


Later that night he says to Frances, “I’ve come to expect shoddiness from the locals, but not from the people back home. That’s what’s so infuriating about this delay: someone at home simply didn’t take enough care in packing the instrument.”


Otto comes to the rescue. With the meticulous dedication Apthorp saw among the scientists he worked with in Germany years ago, Otto files, adjusts and cements the pieces back together. To hold them in place, he applies tiny metal clasps and bronze screws that he purchases from the city’s French watchmaker.


“Otto’s an excellent young scientist. I’m lucky to have him here,” Apthorp says to Frances. “Do you know, yesterday I even heard him teach Suzy and Lulu how to count in German!” They got up to twelve, and for the rest of the day, he kept hearing them in the garden outside his office repeating over and over ein to zwölf as they jump-roped. Lulu always got lost around sechs or sieben and Suzy came to the rescue. Whenever he looked up, he saw their bobbing heads.


Finally, on a crisp, almost transparent night, Apthorp takes the first celestial photograph of the southern skies.


He photographs thirty-six stars in the Constellation of Scorpio. Under the revolving dome, and in a silence punctuated only by a ticking clock and Otto’s creaking chair, he guides the great equatorial refractor to make two exposures on a single plate, one at 2:06 a.m. and the other at 3:57 a.m. Each lasts ten minutes. The impressions are imperfect. The brightest stars, trailing broken wisps, aren’t as absolutely circular as they need to be for accurate measuring, and the images are little better than what the naked eye can see. But none of the later star-cluster photographs, not even the lunar photographs for which Apthorp will receive a prize at the Philadelphia Exposition, elate him like that first photograph. The arc of gleaming speckles strewn across the veil of night fill him with the kind of astonishment that had first drawn him to study the skies. From the plate, he makes four enlarged impressions on paper, which he frames and hangs on the wall by his desk. He knows he will encounter arduous times ahead when he will need the images to remind him of the grand reach of his mission.



San Esteban

April 2nd, 1873

It’s been raining every day for the last week. The day suddenly becomes night, lightning rips the sky, and the girls cover their ears waiting for the claps of thunder. They sit at the window and watch our gentle river at the bottom of the valley become a torrent, until, in an hour, a brilliant sun appears, and it’s all over. The storms are always a topic of conversation; everyone here has a story about some disastrous flood.



15 Oranienburger Strasse

Berlin

April 2nd, 1873


Dearest Frances,


I hope that by now you and your family are comfortably settled in, and that you are enjoying the San Esteban autumn weather, which is always such a relief after the oppressive summer.


We arrived in Germany a week ago from France, and I was not sorry to leave that country. Post-war Paris is all sadness. There is much talk about rehabilitation through the promotion of science, but, in truth, all the Parisians we met talked of nothing but loss, regression and degeneration. Today Berlin is the heartbeat of Europe, and even though it is still bitterly cold, the sense of progress here is so pronounced, that I feel positively warm. Felipe seeks out its artists and I, its scientists . . . We will stop here awhile and then move on to London.

Yours,

Antonia.


P.S. I think of you in my house with your brilliant husband and those two lovely little girls and I feel happy you are there. You are a lucky woman to have so much!




May 10th, 1873


San Esteban

Dear Antonia,

Thank you for your kind letter. We have settled in very well. Apthorp busies himself with getting the observatory in order, and the girls and I learn Spanish and go for walks. We love to go up the riverbed, where we clamber over rocks and roots and vines to get to our favorite spot, which is where there is a delightful waterfall and a pool of water filled with fish. The girls love to try and catch the fish, but they are always unsuccessful!


I find your library a most congenial place to pass the time. I was overjoyed to find a book of essays by John Burroughs. I know of no other writer who conveys so well my feeling that when I am walking under the canopy of a tree I am in the presence of God.


Yours with kind regards,

Frances.



3 Wilton Crescent

Westminster, London


June 30th, 1873


Dearest Frances,

Felipe and I have been in London almost a month. What a splendid city! It has so much to offer in terms of culture and science. I have been visiting some very inspiring botanical gardens and plant conservatories. The English have an enormous interest in the collection and cultivation of plants from all over the world, and I have encountered some very unusual ones, including our own (American) deliciously sinister Sarracenia! Perhaps you know this one; it has become exceedingly popular here. Their color and sweet fragrance attract the insects on which they feed, which venture down the funnel to enjoy the abundance of sweet nectar, until they slip suddenly into the embrace of fanglike hairs that tighten as they struggle. Is that not quite clever?


When we return, I plan to create a conservatory in our house high in the sierras, where you must visit us. It was once a Jesuit mission, and it is the place I love best in the world, more even than our home in San Esteban. But we are delaying our return: there are so many more places we wish to see.

I am happy your beautiful little girls are enjoying themselves!

I am your friend,

Antonia.


P.S. I agree with you that there is a sort of ecstasy in nature that Burroughs captures well. But, for my taste, he overstates its benevolence. I believe that nature gives us the profusion of roots and vines and colorful birds that you so love but does so ruthlessly. Sometimes, excellence is bred in the cruelest of fashions!



San Esteban

August 30th, 1873


Yesterday, I ventured into Antonia and Felipe’s workroom.

It wasn’t my intention to be inquisitive, but something got the better of me. Suzy and Lulu were playing with Gally, and he bounded all the way up to the top floor, girls in pursuit, calling him down, until the noise and excitement was so great, I went up myself. There was the overexcited puppy, yapping even louder than the girls were shrieking, dashing up and down the corridor, jumping up at the girls, at a bookcase, and at the end door so that it opened very slightly, which was a surprise because I thought Antonia had locked it. After I finally caught Gally and sent the girls downstairs with him, I turned to close the door that stood ajar. I could so easily have pulled it shut; I had no business to enter that room. I would not now be burdened with what I know.

Antonia and Felipe have workspaces at each end of a single large room. Antonio’s paintings are different from the ones that hang on the walls around the house. These are of swarthy boys and young men seated on rocks by the side of a river, wading through water on horseback, one boy dives into the river while another two lean close together watching him. All are unclothed and exposed and unseemly. The largest painting is of a young man indoors. He reclines on an unmade bed, so that his face, curtained by thick, disheveled black hair, is in the background. It is the foreground that dominates: his legs and thighs and his prominent nakedness. I could not look upon the picture, it repelled me so. I retreated quickly to Antonia’s workspace, but I found there no consolation.

On a table are a microscope and scalpels and paint boxes and a notebook thick with hand-written observations and boxes brimming with beetles and scorpions and tarantulas. She has a series of not-quite-completed paintings which are of plants (what kind it is impossible to make out) in various stages of being devoured by ants that run riot over stalks and stems and bedraggled flowers and then converge hungrily on sorry-looking crickets. In one, a tarantula crouches on a denuded branch sucking on the limp body of a red and blue hummingbird. I cannot comprehend Antonia’s cruel vision, but I know I was in terrain where no God-fearing person should venture.

I stood in the hallway taking deep breaths until I recovered my composure. I know I have looked upon a terrible hubris and that at the heart of Antonia and Felipe’s marriage bed lies something dark and forbidden. And yet the very closeness of their workrooms -- the subjects that engage them-- speaks of an understanding and acceptance of each other, as if theirs is a good marriage, a solid partnership. An ungodly partnership?

Later, I asked Apthorp, “At what point does God punish our questioning of His natural order?”

He laughed. “Do you still see God as some vengeful old man weighing things on his scales?”

“But can’t science lead into moral collapse?”

“There is only science that unravels truth, which is the same as revealing God’s goodness.”

What could I have answered? I cannot bring myself to tell Apthorp that in this house I have looked upon such disturbing things.

October 24th, 1873

The observatory is ready. Our house isn’t quite finished, but we are moving in so Apthorp can be closer to his work. It will be uncomfortable after Antonia’s, but I am not sorry to leave.


II.

It is mid-winter when Antonia and Felipe return from Europe; they have been away almost eighteen months. Apthorp sends them an invitation to visit, and they arrive late one afternoon. Antonia has cut her hair. Thick, black curls frame her face. Apthorp has never seen a woman with such short hair. She looks radiant. She demands a full tour, and she and Felipe are full of admiration.


“I never thought I’d see one of these in San Esteban,” Felipe says, inspecting the meridian circle from all sides, walking around the great marble piers on which it is anchored.


Apthorp tells them about the difficulties he’s had getting the instrument, the very centerpiece for his measuring task, set up; and then, about how, when the masons had finally completed the job, he’d discovered that the reticule spider threads, with which the circle provided precise positions, were damaged. “I’m still waiting to really get started!” he complains.


Antonia talks about Paris, where she and Felipe walked through spacious arcades under roofs of glass and iron (still glorious in that crestfallen city); and about the spirit of optimism, they encountered in the new Germany. In England, scientific friends had swept them up into discussions on the implications of Darwin’s theories, and at a talk on evolution and the importance of female choice in selecting a mate, Antonia had had one of those bolts of understanding that transforms lives. If, as Mr. Darwin argued, evolutionary adaptation was random, the speaker asked, then why couldn’t deliberate human intervention make it less so? Indeed, why couldn’t human intervention lead to the perfection of the human race?


“And how might that be done?” Apthorp asks. No conversation has been so stimulating since he left Boston.


“Well, for one thing,” replies Antonia, “women must become actively engaged in selecting fit mating partners.”


Felipe moves across the room and inspects a cabinet of astronomical instruments. Apthorp stands by the window with Frances and Antonia. They watch the sun sink slowly behind the line of mountains. The trees are leafless and wintry. Suzy and Lulu are in the garden, on their knees, heads close to the ground. They are perfectly still. Listening to something? Scrutinizing an insect?


“Just look at those children!” exclaims Antonia. “What wonderful curiosity! This, Frances, is the result of your excellent choice in a mate!”


Frances blushes.


“Sometimes,” Antonia is whispering now, “I have an enormous sadness that Felipe and I have not been able to have children. In Europe we consulted with specialists. They found nothing wrong with me.


A wholly inappropriate disclosure thinks Apthorp. He sees Frances stiffen.


“I’m going to tell Vinnie to call the girls in,” she says abruptly. “It’s much too cold for them to be out at this time.” She leaves the room and Antonia stands looking intently at the children, oblivious. Apthorp signals to Felipe, “Come. I want to show you both something. I know it will interest you.” They follow him along a corridor and into his study where, pointing to the photographs above his desk, Apthorp announces dramatically, “The Constellation of Scorpio! The first photograph ever taken of the southern skies!”


Antonia rushes forward. “Oh! This is marvelous! And to think this was taken here, in this backward place! It’s like a good omen. I must have a copy,”


“What Antonia wants, Antonia gets,” murmurs Felipe.


At dinner she is animated. How soon might she get the copy of Scorpio Apthorp has promised her? It will hang in their home in the sierras. She and Felipe plan to spend much of their time there. They want to work with no distractions, and also to get away from the narrowness of San Esteban, a town which, after the European tour, they find more oppressive than ever. Antonia’s silky shawl slips off one shoulder. One of the candles along the center of the table burns down releasing a sickly-sweet smell. Felipe has plans for some great canvases and Antonia is going to build a small conservatory and a garden for the purposes of her research. She has brought seeds from many exotic places.


“You must visit us there!” exclaims Antonia. “You would love the place. It is filled with history. We still have an intact library that once belonged to the Jesuits and, despite what is said about them, they were lovers of science. And astronomers!” Her shawl slides down to the floor and Apthorp reaches for it, his fingers running gently through its tassels.


It is agreed. As soon as work permits, Apthorp and Frances will visit the house in the mountains.


Later, Frances says, “There’s a sort of hunger about Antonia that…” She hesitates. She doesn’t like to be uncharitable, Apthorp knows. “It must be difficult not having children,” she concludes.



By early spring, the meridian circle is at last operational and, once again, this is because of Otto’s unmatched mechanical skills. Day and night, he’s been repairing the spider threads. In fact, Apthorp believes he’s been doing too much. Twice, after Apthorp tells everyone to pack it in, he returns later, only to find Otto still working with the photographic equipment. Otto mutters something about not being able to sleep; the second time, he says he’d forgotten to put away a spectroscope and he doesn’t want any more accidents of broken equipment. Apthorp thinks it odd the way Otto has jumped up looking startled. These days the German seems out of sorts.


“You need a break, Otto,” Apthorp says. “So do we all. Before we start on the circle work, I think our whole team should take a few days off.”


As he walks back to the house, Apthorp decides this is the ideal time for him and Frances to accept the invitation to the sierras. A two days’ ride to the sierras is exactly what he’s in the mood for; and Frances will have her chance to try out her new palomino, bred specially for mountain riding. The children will be fine here with Vinnie.


The evening before they are to leave, Apthorp places the copy of the Scorpio photograph for Antonia between protective cardboard sheets and packs it in his saddle bag.


But later that night Frances says it is her time of the month when she gets cramps and feels awful. Perhaps they can postpone the visit? Apthorp points out that, once the circle work starts, he won’t have another chance for a break, and, after all, Antonia and Felipe have been so kind, it wouldn’t be right to disappoint them. He hides his annoyance that Frances’s condition might interfere with his chance of a few restful days.


“Yes, perhaps you are right,” says Frances --somewhat doubtfully, Apthorp thinks. “You must go on your own. You certainly deserve a break. You’ve done nothing but workday and night for months.”


Early next morning, Apthorp sets out with his servant and guide, José. The ride is one of the pleasantest he’s ever had. The weather is mild, and the sierras are filled with sunlight. He’s glad he’s come without the family, without Frances. Sometimes, he needs to be alone. José is the ideal companion. He hardly speaks, except to warn Apthorp about some danger like a treacherous stretch of path, a protruding branch. He can see tracks no one else can. In the evening, he builds a campfire, choosing the firewood carefully, placing the pieces in such a deliberate manner that it is as if he is preparing for some sacred rite. Sometimes, an utterly simple mind seems to border on wisdom.


Lying under familiar stars in the glow of dying embers, a wind hissing through steely grasses, Apthorp drifts into sleep.


He wakes up, his whole-body tingling. He’s been dreaming of Antonia.


Suddenly, he remembers a favorite refrain of his grimly Presbyterian father: ‘The wheels of God grind slowly, but they grind exceedingly small.’


The next day, as they draw near the mission, Antonia rides out to meet them. She rides astride, her skirts hitched up high and her boots laced up all the way to her knees.


“Where’s Frances?” she asks, and when Apthorp tells her, she looks at him for a moment and then, unexpectedly, smiles. She turns her horse and sets off on a fast gallop, and Apthorp follows.


What is it Frances said about Antonia? That she was hungry?


She is also bewitching.


When they reach the house, they find Felipe and a young man sitting at a table, heads bowed. They are playing a board game. Felipe suddenly swoops, laughing in triumph as the young man, under his thick thatch of disheveled black hair, cries out in dismay.


Introduced as Jacobo, he doesn’t join Antonia and Felipe as they show Apthorp around.


This place, Antonia says, was once one of a line of missions that supplied Indians with salvation, and the silver city of Potosí with mules and cows and leather and tallow and wine. She leads the way along a spacious and wide arcade crowned with a tall ribbed and vaulted ceiling. It must once have been quite grand, but now its stucco has patches of damp, and the walls are crumbling. It is flanked by rooms, dark and dank, which, Antonia tells him, were once monks’ quarters that she and Felipe are planning to restore and convert into workspaces. They move on past a courtyard filled with orange fruit trees, until they come to a narrow passageway leading to windowless adobe cells.


“Slave quarters,” Antonia explains. She’s turned several adjacent cells into a small conservatory, replacing mud brick walls with a lean-to extension of glass panes. Under hanging baskets of foliage and flowers Apthorp has never seen are pots of orchids and fuchsias and bird of paradise flowers in full bloom. In the center are troughs filled with long, white-and-purple, funnel-shaped flowers. Standing over them, Apthorp breathes in a pungently sweet fragrance. He bends to take a closer look. Dark, almost maroon lines guide his gaze deep inside the funnels towards barbed bristles.


That evening, as he gets up from the dinner table, Felipe announces he and Jacobo will leave early next morning for Buenos Aires. “So, we won’t see you after tonight. But I leave you in good hands. Antonia knows how to look after her guests,” Felipe smiles at Apthorp. To Antonia he says, “You must show Apthorp our remarkable Jesuit library.”


Sitting across the table from Apthorp, Antonia refills their glasses with dark, syrupy port, a local brew. “Isn’t it strange,” she says, “how intensely we live particular moments, when the totality of our lives is no more than flecks of dust on a vast canvas?” She pushes his glass towards him and, as he reaches for it, she lays her hand on his. Steadily, she stares at him, then smiles. Her allure is overwhelming. He knows he is walking directly into an ensnarement.



‘The wheels of God grind slowly, but they grind exceedingly small.’ Apthorp can’t get the refrain out of his mind.


He has sinned.


How could he so completely lose his senses? Did the southern skies really affect men in such strange and unexpected ways?


He stares straight ahead all the way home.


As a child, his father called Apthorp one of God’s Elect. “And if an Elect sins," he warned his son, “his punishment is doubly terrible.”



San Esteban Observatory

September 4th, 1874


Last night A. returned from the sierras. He says Antonia and Felipe showed him a conservatory filled with plants. I would have loved the library which has nearly one thousand volumes the Jesuits collected. But he didn’t wholly enjoy his stay, he says. The place is falling apart, and the rooms are humid and cold, and he was sorry I wasn’t there. He says he wants no more breaks, only to focus on his circle work so we can return home as soon as possible. He will allow for no more distractions, not even photography. “That was not the real purpose of my work,” he says, “but an indulgence.”

“Are you happy?” he asked. “Because if you’re not we can leave tomorrow.”

I didn’t want to disappoint him, so I answered, “Yes, I am.”

I cannot fully discern the reason for my uneasiness; I know I should have accompanied A. and not left him to go alone, but I could not bring myself to be under Antonia and Felipe’s roof. I was fearful.


San Esteban Observatory

September 20th, 1874

In fact, I am happy in this queer place. I feel a closeness to Apthorp I haven’t felt for a long time. At night he’s warm and gentle. He gives me pleasure. He whispers, “I love you.”

Some days he’s melancholy, and his headaches are bad. I tell him he’s working too hard. He says it’s because of Otto, who is just out for himself. He’s not interested in doing the real work of astronomy, A. says, only what will bring him quick celebrity. Otto has turned out to be a great disappointment.


San Esteban Observatory

September 23rd, 1874

It is night and the children are asleep. I’m in the observatory. A. says he works better when I am close by. He sits at his desk bent over his computations of declinations and right ascensions. I love to see him so deeply engaged. Lately, he worries too much. He just looked up and smiled that special desirous smile. Only I and the children know it. I have so much to be grateful for.

(In the middle of the night, I wake up with dark thoughts about why A. is having headaches and melancholy days. I dare not write them.)


San Esteban Observatory

December 2nd, 1874

Antonia writes to ask, why don’t we visit them? The mountain air is wonderfully refreshing. She and Felipe are too busy to come into town. She’s enlarging her conservatory and carrying out experiments with native and exotic plants. Apthorp says he can’t spare the time. I’m not sorry.


San Esteban Observatory

December 10th, 1874

Today was Lulu’s birthday. Vinnie made a delicious chocolate cake, three tiers tall. All the astronomers (except for Otto) and their wives came to celebrate. Suzy says that for her birthday she wants a picnic under the fig trees by the river, and not an indoor tea party. It’s months away, but like her papa, she plans ahead. I promised.


San Esteban Observatory

December 22nd, 1874

It seems ironic that Otto, the most fully trained of all the young men and the one who seemed at first to be the most helpful, should turn out to be most troublesome.

Antonia writes to say they won’t be coming into the city this summer; her health is delicate, and she doesn’t want to risk the hot summer.

Will we visit? No.


San Esteban Observatory

February 11th, 1875

Yesterday evening I entered the sitting room after dinner, and there was A., the stern papa, in his armchair with Lulu curled up in his lap sucking away at her thumb (‘Put pepper on her thumb to make her to stop,” he always says). Suzy stood by, reciting the poem she’d been learning all day. A. had on what I call his sidereal look, when his mind wanders far, far away. He was running the tips of his fingers through Lulu’s hair.


San Esteban Observatory

March 26th, 1875

Antonia says that now that the summer is almost over, she and Felipe are coming into town. She has something important to tell me. A. says he’s too busy for visitors. But we can’t be so rude. These people have been generous to us. I do not want to encourage their friendship, but I think I was perhaps oversensitive in my judgment. I’ll invite them after Suzy’s birthday. That important event is this Saturday!



The children’s delighted squeals and yells reach Apthorp, and he knows the long-awaited box from Boston has arrived. Filled with toys and books his mother has sent for the girls and household gadgets for Frances, it also contains the latest journals for him. After lunch, in his office, he browses through them.


A phrase in the lead article in the most recent journal catches his eye: “…old positional astronomy must make room for….” It is about the raging debate on the value of photography to astronomy.


It is a discussion he’s had with Otto, and it turned bitter.


For Otto, the photographic image is an end in itself. The trouble with this young German, like so many of the younger generation now entering the field, is that he seeks fast and easy honors. He wants to tackle the big questions straight away, which, of course, fuel Apthorp’s curiosity as much as anyone’s: How are stars born? How do they die? If their temperatures are so hot, why don’t they burn up? But before any grand theories can be formulated, a scientist must have data. He must be ready to carry out the painstaking, indeed, heroic task of collecting, measuring, and reducing observations.


Otto was simply not doing the work.


“How can we know anything about the physical properties of celestial bodies unless we first know where they are and how they move?” Apthorp often says this to Frances. He doesn’t expect an answer. This is his question about photography: How useful is it in achieving high accuracy about the position of stars? So far, awe-inspiring as celestial images are (and Apthorp is the first to concede this), the meridian circle is still the most important instrument in astronomy.


Fortunately, Otto’s disagreeableness is of no consequence now: a month ago, the man packed his bags and left. What the final trigger was, Apthorp isn’t sure. But he wasn’t sorry to see Otto go. Since he left, Apthorp has had fewer headaches.


Leafing through the most recent issue of the journals, he is startled to see a photograph of a group of stars.


He recognizes it at once: the first impression of Scorpio which he made with Otto’s assistance. Except that the credit gives only Otto’s name.


Apthorp looks again, closely, puzzled. Then things fall into place.


Double-crossing scoundrel.


Double-crossing scoundrel!


All those times Apthorp surprised Otto working alone at an unlikely hour; the man’s recent moroseness; his abrupt departure: it all made sense.


He can’t get away with it!


Apthorp will write immediately and set the record straight. He will ruin the man’s career forever.


But the damage is already done. A coveted honor has been snatched away.


What betrayal!


His eyes rest on the framed impressions of Scorpio above his desk. Antonia also has them.


The wheels of God grind slowly.


Suddenly he feels strangely relieved.


God has been gentle with him. Almost too easily, Apthorp has been let off the hook.


At a flash of red and blue he looks up. Through the window Suzy and Lulu are walking on a low wooden fence that separates the garden from the driveway. They hold their arms out tipping them from one side to another for balance. It is windy. Tree branches wave frantically. Puffy clouds speed across the sky as the girls’ hair spins out in all directions.


Tomorrow is Suzy’s birthday picnic. He hopes it doesn’t rain.



They leave in the first light of dawn. There’s not a cloud in the sky; the day seems like mid-summer; it is so hot. Suzy, dazzling in her brand-new violet riding habit, says, “I love the breeze on my face.” She rides a bay mare alongside Frances and Apthorp and the two young assistant astronomers. Lulu and Vinnie and the two astronomers’ wives are in the sulky that José is driving. Earlier, José has told Apthorp, “Not a good day for the river; it’s going to rain,” but Apthorp has already checked the barometer and he knows the peon is mistaken. Galileo runs next to them until something catches his interest. He disappears for a long while. “I hope Gally hasn’t got lost,” Suzy says. But the dog bounds back, covered with brambles and undergrowth. The sure-footed horses pick their way over prickly scrub and loose rock, the sulky following, until giant pink-and-white granite rocks make it impossible for the vehicle to continue. The passengers get out and unload all their things.


“It’s not long now,” calls out Frances.


Lulu doesn’t want to walk. Apthorp lifts her up onto his saddle and the women hitch their skirts up and everyone helps carry the roasted chicken and turkey and bread and beer and wine as they continue upriver. They walk single file along a narrow riverbank, until it ends, and they have to step carefully on the dry tops of massive boulders that lie across the river. It is easier for the riders as the horses wade straight through the water. Frances stops and waits for the walkers. “Come along, you slowpokes!” she mocks, laughing at the chorus of complaints.


“These rivers here are so unlike the ones at home,” exclaims one of the assistants’ wives.


Suzy slides off her horse to sit on a large rock in the middle of the river. She wants to watch the fish. Lulu wants to see them too. Apthorp gets down with her and they join Suzy. They try to catch the fish but can’t. Apthorp relieves Vinnie of a heavy basket, and they all move on, riders ahead, walkers behind, one of the assistants the slowest, with his portly wife leaning heavily on his arm. With full rucksack and leading a riderless horse, José brings up the rear. He keeps looking up at the sky and shaking his head. No one pays him any attention.


Now the rocks on either side of the river are like towering ramparts. Apthorp points to the high-water marks left by past floods. “Never play in the gullies after rainfall,” he says, as he does every time they come here. Suddenly, they reach an open part of the riverbed. Its bank is thick with entwined fig trees. Amid tufts of wild roses and spiky agaves, a waterfall cascades from way up high.


They all help to spread out the food. “Everything tastes so much better outside,” Suzy chirps. José wanders off to find a grassy patch for the horses; when he returns, he sits on a high rock and watches the picnickers.


After lunch Suzy says, “Mamma, there are so many little fishes at the edge of the river. May I bathe? Vinnie says she’ll watch me.” She runs off with a handful of breadcrumbs for the fish.


A few minutes later Lulu also comes for some breadcrumbs. “Mamma, may I bathe too?”


Vinnie appears, carrying used dishes, and she places them in a pile with the others. She takes a drink of water and returns to the children.


“Should we have allowed them to bathe,” asks Frances. “So soon after eating?”


Through heavy lids, Apthorp looks at Frances leaning against a tree, her eyes closed. She has round red blotches on her arm from exposure to the sun. A tiny ladybird crawls up her arm and under the rim of her sleeve. He knows that flesh.


He closes his eyes again. He hasn’t a trace of headache.


Voices. Chattering. Soothing sounds.


If he opens his eyes, he will see fig trees sprouting from the rocks. Not native. Some Spaniard, some Jesuit more likely, must have brought them to America. Figs are from Mesopotamia. They hung in the Gardens of Babylon, commingling with the earliest astronomers and belly-dancing women with wavy black hair.


Loud voices. A shout.


“¿Qué pasa?” Something in Frances’ voice stops his heart.


He bolts upright and runs to the edge of the river.


Two piles of neatly folded clothes. Two pairs of small shoes.


“Vinnie! Vinnie! Where are you?”


Apthorp stands at the edge of the water. The whole river has risen in a flash. Wildly agitated currents cover the rocks. High up in the sierras it must have poured.


Frances runs in one direction, then the other. Up and down. Gally barks frantically.


“José,” someone calls out.


Head down, muttering to himself, José walks calmly alongside the river as they all wait. “Here is where the first child went in, it was the little one.” He moves a few feet further. “Here you can see where the other child went in. She was running.” Ten more feet. “And here is where the woman ran in. She didn’t take off her shoes.” He points to a pool of swirling water. “The bodies are there. When the water rises, that is where the river is hungriest.”


It isn’t Apthorp’s kind of knowledge: measured, catalogued, computed, and then disseminated in books to cut a path to progress. It is secret and furtive knowledge, kept by mute men like José. “Nothing here,” Antonia had said, “is as pristine as it looks at first.”


By the time they arrive at their house, news of the tragedy has spread. Friends and neighbors and people Apthorp has never set eyes on follow them inside, where they mill around and converse in hushed tones. A woman asks Apthorp something he doesn’t understand. A man and a woman are whispering, the woman has a hand raised to her mouth. The astronomers and their wives empty the picnic satchels, but don’t know where to put things. Frances, off to one side of the room, stares out of a window, immobile.


The door flings open, and there stands an ashen-faced Antonia. She looks around with some puzzlement, then sees Frances. “Oh, my dear! Oh, my dear!” she cries, rushing across the room in a great whirl of white silk.


Apthorp lunges. “Don’t you touch her!” Wrenching Antonia away, he hurls her backwards.


She puts out her arms to regain her balance, revealing a large and pregnant belly.


Glaring defiantly at Apthorp, she places her hands under it.


Slowly, Frances, her eyes wide, also turns to face him.



The trunks have been sent on ahead. Soon the carriage will be here. Apthorp walks through the house to the observatory one last time. He looks at the logarithm tables and computations lying discarded on his desk: fiery clashes and distant annihilations caught in neat columns. Above are his photographs of the Constellation of Scorpio. The shimmering points have always made him feel part of something larger. But he sees now the enveloping blackness dominates the light.


Back in the house, Frances is bent over her diary and, with her fist tight around a pencil, she stabs at each page. The carriage is at the gate. Gently, he takes her arm.


It hasn’t rained since the day of the picnic, three weeks ago. With each step they take, little puffs of dust rise into the air, hang a while, and then settle.




Copyright © 2015 by Julyan Peard.

 
  • Writer: Robert Giron
    Robert Giron
  • Jan 14, 2021

Updated: Nov 30, 2021

Linkage

by Steven J. Cahill


Harlan never knew what his brother had under the hood. Always something new. Hotter plugs. Bigger carburetor ports. An electric fuel pump. Anything for that extra kick. Harlan couldn’t keep up, not on the highway, not in the garage, not anywhere. Garrett was older and stronger, had been winning at everything forever, and now his Chevy was a little quicker than Harlan’s Ford. A little faster. But they’d been racing and chasing since Harlan could remember, so that was the way of it. Fact of life.


Like today at the stop sign with Garrett pulling up beside him, saying, “Let’s release the beasts, little brother. Zero to sixty. Let the horses out of the barn.” And like that, they were revved up and counted down and fishtailing down River Road. Side by side at the get-go, tires screaming and smoking, with Harlan close, almost staying with him till second gear. . . almost. . . then shifting hot and almost gaining ground, but almost was never quite enough. And never would be. Not when it came to Garrett. Not when they got down to going at it head to head.


Driving back to the garage, Harlan told himself it didn’t matter, but still. One of these days he’d find a way to saddle up his own horses to catch Garrett on the highway. Give the big boy a little surprise. Better yet, get the jump at the giddy-up and leave him sucking wind. Let those Chevy stallions eat some Ford dust. Harlan imagined the surprised look on Garrett’s face. Imagined pulling away and giving him the old Sanderson wave.


Harlan swung around the gas pumps and pulled in over the grease pit in bay one. Garrett drove in beside him, parked his Chevy in the second bay and opened his hood. He gave him a thumbs up and came over with his big-brother smile, saying it had been a good race. Close.


“My engine was screaming like a bobcat in heat,” he said. “That Ford may get into my pants yet.”


Harlan felt a little rush of pride. “Second gear felt good,” he said. “But I think I shifted early.”


“Watch the tach,” Garrett said. “And listen to your engine. Wait until she’s begging for it.”


That was Garrett. Everything hot and sexual. Today he was putting on new valve covers. Edelbrocks. Chrome-plated like his carburetor—a four-barrel Holly—special ordered from J. C. Whitney. Garrett liked having the best.


Harlan took a wrench off the work bench and went down the pit steps to change his oil. Chrome valve covers were fancy, but speed and power mattered more. The real trick was balancing the horsepower cubic inch equation. Finding the magic one-to-one ratio.


He took out the oil plug and watched it drain. The old Dodge in bay three needed an inspection—farm trucks took a beating—but that was on Garrett’s list. Harlan was still looking at a front-end alignment and a tune-up before he got to his homework. With Pop scheduling so much work lately, Harlan was lucky to find time to change own his oil.


A busy garage, Sanderson and Sons, a business destined to be theirs when Pop ran out of gas. Meanwhile, the old man ran the pumps and kept the books but turned all the mechanical work over to them. He liked claiming he was sending his sons to school to become doctors—engine surgeons. Recently he’d begun telling customers his boys were mechanical magicians.


“Healers,” he’d say. “With mystical powers.”


Pop’s bragging embarrassed Harlan, but he could usually diagnose an engine problem by listening. Hear the rattling of tappets and say, “Sounds like a valve job.” Garrett would slip into his mechanic’s coat and add, “Push rods and rocker arms too.” Harlan would reach for the hood latch and say, “What about those sticky lifters?”


Garrett and Harlan, fine-tuning their routine. But they did have the magic touch with internal combustion engines—intake to exhaust—everybody knew it. It was in the Sanderson blood.


Garrett was kicking ass down at the track too—driving test cars for Summit Teams—which was bringing in new business. Harlan was finishing up at Hastings High plus working extra hours to keep his ‘56 Ford running hot and looking good. The money part made Ma crazy.


“You boys,” she said. “There’s more to life than a fast car.”


“Maybe so, Ma,” Garrett said. “But it takes a fast car to find it.”


“I know what you’re finding at that track,” she said. “Racer-chaser women looking for faster cars with leather upholstery.”


“Not a faster car in the state.” Garrett gave Harlan a wink. “And leather seats are too cold for making out in the winter.”


“Don’t get cute, Mister.” Ma looked at Garrett over her glasses. “And don’t think I don’t know about you and that hairdresser.”


Harlan laughed. Ma would have a conniption if she knew half what Garrett was doing.


“Pop had a flashy car,” Garrett said. “Didn’t that catch your eye?”


“Oh my, yes. The ‘34 Ford.” She paused, laughing and thinking back, then gave Garrett a warning look. “But your father wasn’t running the roads every night and tomcatting around. He was serious.”


“Pop’s ‘34 was a roadster, Harlan,” Garrett said. “Tomcatting in a rumble seat is serious business.”


“Garrett T. Sanderson! Mind your mouth.” But she laughed. Garrett was her favorite and always made her laugh. “Time to stop chasing skirts and driving crazy.” She pointed over at Pop dozing in his chair. “The old crankcase is waiting for you to settle down and start running the business.”


And Ma had shifted into high gear about the business: The family business. And her boys being heirs to a dynasty. About her sons being more than good mechanics. More than simple gear heads exchanging ratchets and wrenches for Christmas. They were executives and businessmen, the bloodlines of the business, and somebody around here better get busy and jump-start the next generation. Because if he didn’t Harlan would get interested in girls and beat him to it.


Garrett had laughed and said Harlan would need lessons to operate that kind of internal combustion engine. Harlan blushed and said that wasn’t the race he wanted to win.


Of course now, waiting in the pit while his oil drained, Harlan couldn’t stop thinking about the race he did want to win but knew he couldn’t. His ‘56 Crown Vic couldn’t beat Garrett’s ‘57 Bel Air. Clearly. Not running stock. It was that simple.


Meanwhile, Garrett was carrying on a running commentary and ratcheting down his new Edelbrocks. “Looking good under the hood,” he said. “Silver catches a woman’s eye.”


“Pop saw the invoice,” Harlan said. “Said it was too much cash for a little flash.”


Garrett laughed and tightened a bolt. “Flash this chrome at a woman and she’ll let you peek under her hood.”


Harlan didn’t think it was that easy, but Garrett was ahead of him in that department too. Way ahead. And running the roads with a married waitress from Denison’s Diner.


“A corn-fed woman,” Garrett said. “And she can serve a three-course meal.”


Other nights Garrett went down to the Hair Shed for a little session with Jolene. “A beauty-shop chair is like the tilt-a-whirl at the county fair,” he said. “And Jolene knows how to curl my short hairs.”


Harlan loved hearing his brother talk about it. Telling him what to do and how to do it, filling in details about what women liked to hear, where to touch them and how, what to tickle and when, how to start their engines and get them into second gear. Garrett was his big brother with big-time good looks. And he was fast, fast, fast.


“Time you got saddled up and broke in,” Garrett said. “Show some little pompom girl what your Ford has got and she’ll strap you on. Give her a hundred-mile-an-hour ride and she’ll cream her jeans.”


Harlan knew he was blushing and hoped Garrett couldn’t see his face.


“A hundred’s easy,” Harlan said. “When the Vic is running right I can bury the needle.”


“Exactly.” Garrett laughed. “I couldn’t have said it better. She’ll be hotter than a cowboy’s pistol on the Fourth of July.”


Harlan didn’t know many pompom girls. They didn’t have much to do with shop boys, but Faithlin Hardy was a cheerleader and she was in his English class. And she’d smiled at him when he read his poem. He wondered if she liked going fast. Some girls didn’t.


“I don’t know,” he said. “What if she just gets scared?”


“All the better.” Garrett came over and sat on the pit steps. “Her heart will be hammering like an engine throwing a rod. Like your first time on the cross.”


The Sanderson Cross. Garrett’s little trick of switching lanes when they met out on the highway. A heart-stopper that first time. The crazy bastard crossed the center line and came straight at him. A head-on about to happen. Harlan read his mind at the last second—swung left and changed lanes—a double cross—both cars on the wrong side of the road, meeting and passing in one split-second of life-changing terror. It had been a close one.


Harlan drove home pissed, his blood still up, and found Garrett washing the Chevy. Garrett grinned at him over the top of his car. “Did you come home to change your shorts?”


“Jesus Christ, Garrett. You could have killed us both.”


“I knew you wouldn’t wreck your car. You had to cross.”


“What if Ma had been driving?”


“There’d have been some skid marks in her bloomers.” Garrett laughed and wrung out a chamois. “If your Ford is coming that fast, I know you’re driving.”


“What if I seized up? Some drivers freeze.”


“Just get over when I cross or you’ll be sitting in the front seat of my Chevy.”


Garrett was crazy as an outhouse rat. And always on the edge.


Now it only happened up on the Flats. And now Garrett accelerated when he swerved into his lane. It was cross or crash. Even with Harlan expecting it, the adrenaline always kicked in and started something in his belly -- something hot.


“Speed does that?” he asked. “Being scared gets a girl going?”


“Better than a horror movie at the drive-in,” Garrett said. “You’ll have that cheerleader doing cartwheels in the back seat.”


That was his brother. Fast women, fast cars. And Garrett’s Bel Air had the Power Pack with dual exhaust. Plus it was a rag top. A black convertible. No wonder women loved him.


“When I drop the top and drive through town,” he said, “I feel like the pied piper.”


Harlan adjusted the mixing valves in his carburetor and changed his air filter, but he was thinking about the three carburetor setup he’d seen on a T-Bird in Hot Rod magazine. A row of shiny Hollys sitting on top of a 312 engine. He imagined harnessing them to his accelerator and releasing those beasts. Be like wild stallions coming out of the barn when he floored it. And catching Garrett in the stampede. He was wondering about the complications of progressive linkage when Faithlin Hardy walked in.



Faithlin’s mother had been getting on her case again. Little nagging questions about the future. About being a senior and her plans after graduation. What about one of the Cosmetology Colleges?—Jolene had an extra chair at the Hair Shed—Didn’t the Medical Center have On The Job Training?—Practical nurses and LPNs always had jobs. And how come shorthand and typing weren’t on her schedule this year? Secretarial skills always came in handy.


“To help out when you’re married. Just hope you’ll never need to.”


“Nurses have to work nights.” Faithlin checked her hair—time for a trim—and gave her mother a hug. “You said night shifts are hard on a marriage.”


“Yes they are, Honey. But you wasted a year on a boy that left town.”


Push was coming to shove and Faithlin knew it was time to make a decision. Get on with being a woman and find herself a man to go the distance. She’d gone steady with Dolby Rainer her junior year which was a total waste because he’d gone off to college after he graduated and she guessed he wasn’t coming back. But she wasn’t about to sit and wait, and she sure as hell wasn’t going to go trotting after him and waste her life chasing his dreams. Besides, Hastings was her home town. She knew better than to run off to New York and get used up by the city. This was her place, thank you very much, and she’d stay right here. No varsity cheerleader was going to have a problem finding a replacement. She did a slow pirouette in front of the full length mirror. Yes indeed. Faithlin Felice Hardy had the goods. Not to be conceited, but she had the moves and if she played her cards right it wasn’t too late to get the pick of the litter.


Not all the big dogs were on a short leash and half the varsity athletes still dropped hints or gave her the look. Most boys checked out her chest or looked at her legs and were forever sneaking peeks at the satin panties cheerleaders wore. Not that she didn’t admire their physical talents too—she loved behind-the-back passes and fade-away jump shots—but she hated the athletes’ sense of entitlement. After the team won regionals and went to state, half the boys stopped doing homework and started treating cheerleaders like property, acting like hot hands on the court was a license for hot hands everywhere.


She wanted sensitive, maybe not a writer—Dolby had gone off to be a novelist—but someone with enough heart to get hers going. Romance and passion, that’s what she wanted. Someone subtle but exciting with a little substance. But with the mother smother getting worse, she’d better get a hustle on.


Harlan Sanderson appeared like a bolt from the blue. Actually he’d been sitting behind her all year—the shop boys sat in the back—but today he was called up front to read his poem. Harlan, blushing and embarrassed, but reminding her of his older brother. Dark, sultry Garrett, the race-car driver hunk. Harlan had the same muscular build. She was admiring his football shoulders and wondering why he never played sports when he walked up to the podium and read the title:


Heart of ICE,” he said. “I-C-E is all capitals. It’s an abbreviation for—”


“It’s better not to tell us Harlan,” Mr. Porter interrupted. “Let us figure it out as the metaphor is revealed.”


Metaphor. Really. Faithlin was surprised Harlan had written a poem. Never mind one with a metaphor. She liked his shyness and the way that curl of hair fell across his forehead. And she liked how he looked standing behind the podium to read. Pleased that his poem had been chosen, but not carried away with it. He really was quite good looking. She was surprised she’d never noticed before.


Harlan nodded and cleared his throat. “Heart of ICE,” he said, and began reading:


‘Blood is the fuel flowing into the heart

Waiting to combust with a flickering spark.

Then the air is mixed by a butterfly’s wing,

And the sound of thunder begins to sing.’


Harlan paused and looked up. He met her eyes—a soulful look—and blushed again, but his voice gained confidence as he read. Lines about passion in the blood becoming fire—erotic really—about turmoil in the chambers of the heart. Faithlin liked the kind of poetry Mr. Porter called accessible. Robert Frost and Emily Dickinson, poets she could understand. And now she could almost feel the heat of the engine as the vehicle in Harlan’s poem chased the white lines on a dark highway.


‘Building power and gaining speed.

A chariot racing beyond earthly need.’


Faithlin was fascinated when the lines built to a climax and the metaphor became clear. She loved that he called his car a chariot. A chariot with a carburetor heart that mixed air and gas to feed the fire. The passionate fire that drove his Internal Combustion Engine. ICE.


The shop boys whistled and clapped when he finished, but Mr. Porter held up his hand, explaining extended metaphor and how the chariot’s human feelings and passion were an example of anthropomorphism.


Faithlin liked that it hadn’t been one of the college-bound kids getting his poem analyzed, and some of the lines stuck with her all day. Carburetor or not, she knew Harlan had deep feelings. Hard to imagine him having a brother like Garrett with a slow-eyed Elvis look and reputation for being so wild. He drove like a bat out of hell, and there’d been rumors about a married woman. But today she knew Harlan was different—still waters run deep—and brought up the Sanderson name at dinner.


“Watch out for that older one,” her mother said. “A car will always mean more to Garrett Sanderson than a woman’s heart.”


“Well, that convertible is a head turner,” Faithlin said. Which was a fact. Every varsity cheerleader on the squad was dying for a ride in that Chevy. Most of them would give it up just to get close to Garrett. “And I heard he’s winning at the track.”


“Garrett Sanderson will be racing cars till they kill him,” her mother said. “But that younger one would clean up nice.”


“I think he may have potential.” And she did. Faithlin had spoken to Harlan after class. Stopped him in the hall and told him how much she loved his poem. Told him she admired the way he’d explored his deep feelings. ‘You know, in a symbolic way.’ He went shy, but she could tell from the look in his puppy-dog eyes that he had feelings for more than cars.


She liked his car too—a Crown something or other—plus Harlan was practically running his father’s garage. He wasn’t headed for the swing-shift waiting list down at the plant. Harlan Sanderson had a future.


“I imagine him ending up with the family business,” her mother said. “And he’s still young enough to be trainable if you start putting down papers.”


Faithlin’s father cleared his throat and rolled a toothpick around in his mouth. “Garrett met Richard Petty at Daytona last year,” he said. “If he gets a ride with NASCAR, he’ll have tickets and passes to pit road so the whole family could—”


“This family doesn’t want tickets to that circus,” her mother said. “Her ticket’s right here, and Harlan Sanderson won’t be out burning rubber while she’s raising babies. He might have grease under his nails when he comes to the table, but he’ll be home for supper.”


That was the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval for Faithlin, and she went down to the Hair Shed for a trim. Jolene added a few highlights and gave her a summer look. A little bounce. Faithlin was leaving the shop when Garrett Sanderson came down Main Street in his pride and joy. He slowed and stopped, his engine burbling like a log truck while she crossed the street in front of him. The top was down, his hair was combed back like the King himself, and he gave her such a long Elvis look that she felt the heat.


Faithlin hadn’t worn a bra and knew he was watching her jiggle. Her sweater was so light and tight that her nipples showed. But she’d gotten used to lingering looks from cheering and expected them. Now she was even wishing she’d worn her shorts and that her legs were tan. Give him the big picture. A pair of short-shorts on North Main could tie up traffic.


Faithlin hadn’t given it all away to Dolby Rainer, saving herself for the main event, but she’d come close—given him a lesson or two in the back seat—so she knew all the moves. Walking past Garrett’s car, she went loose at the waist and put a touch of salsa on her hips. Take that, you old hound dog. But when she looked back, he was waving at Jolene inside the shop. Didn’t matter. Faithlin wouldn’t be spinning her wheels chasing that good old boy around the circuit. Her sights were set on the brother.


Harlan didn’t have a girlfriend, not that anybody knew, but Raelene Bailey had gone giddy about his poem and put a little extra on it when he was around. Like she was looking to get something started. Faithlin wasn’t worried about competition—she could handle that—but she didn’t want to back-stab Raelene.


Friday afternoon she checked with the girls after practice and found out the coast was clear. Raelene had been working some serious moves on Billy Stebbins and was ready to put him out of his misery. Lately she’d been thinking maybe she’d like to have a baby to get a little head start on her future and nail Billy down. And what did everybody think of that idea? Her father could get Billy on the day shift at the plant and who wouldn’t jump at a chance like that?


Saturday morning Faithlin put on the sweater again. It was orlon, powder blue, and buttoned down the front. Oh yeah. Then she shimmied into her short-shorts and went down to Sandersons’ garage to get a driving lesson.



Harlan was thinking to ask Garrett about progressive linkage setups when Faithlin Hardy walked in. Taking her time and pausing to look at the Continental Kit on Harlan’s Ford before coming up along the driver’s side. Garrett was talking solid lifters and a new camshaft for his Chevy, but Faithlin’s shorts shut him up for a minute.


She traced the chrome V on Harlan’s door with a lazy finger, saying, ‘So this is The Chariot,’ and started talking about how it was too bad the Driver’s Ed car at school was an automatic. “I got my license with my uncle’s car,” she said. “But I need to learn stick shift. My mom’s car is standard.”


Garrett nodded knowingly. “Manual transmissions are tricky, Faithlin, but I could give you lessons.” He patted the hood of his Chevy and winked at Harlan. “And this chariot is a real fire-breather.”


Harlan wished he could be more like Garrett. Casual and confident in a flirtatious way. When girls talked to Harlan at school, it always came around to his brother. Who was he going out with now?—Or—Is it true he’s being recruited by NASCAR? When Garrett drove by the school with the top down and glasspac mufflers rumbling, the girls fluttered around like there was a rooster in the hen house.


Sometimes he cruised by just to get them started. Garrett was twenty now, too old for high school girls. He called the younger ones ‘Jailbait’ and ‘San Quentin Quail’— but Faithlin was eighteen.


Harlan couldn’t believe she was here. So beautiful, her face thoughtful and serious while she considered Garrett’s offer. He wondered where Dolby Rainer had gone off to and when he’d be coming around again. Then he realized that Faithlin was looking at him.


“I was thinking Harlan would be the one,” she said, and gave him a warm smile. “We’re in English class together, and I really like his poetry.”


“Poetry.” Garrett rolled his eyes. “Hard to imagine.”


Harlan’s pulse jumped when she ran her hand up the strip of chrome on the roof of his Crown Vic. She had a profile that put her in a class by herself. “I don’t know,” he said, feeling himself blush. “I help out in the shop, but I’ve never taught driving.”


“Harlan’s right,” Garrett said. “He’s a rookie when it comes to teaching. You’ll be wanting someone with experience to get you started.”


“What about it, Harlan?” Faithlin leaned over and looked inside his car, shorts so tight the lines of her underwear showed through. “Don’t you want to get experienced too?”


Harlan shrugged, but she was watching him, eyes bluer than her sweater, and waiting for an answer. He kept his voice even and said he’d been driving stick since he was nine and guessed he could probably hold up his end of it.


“That settles it for me.” Faithlin gave him a high-beam smile. “Besides, with your brother so experienced and all, he’d probably be too fast for me.”


Garrett laughed and studied her for a moment. “Maybe,” he said. “But I don’t think so.” He shook his head after Faithlin left and clapped Harlan on the shoulder. “She’s faster than both of us,” he said. “You’ll be the one that gets a lesson.”


“What do you mean? Learning stick shift will take ten minutes.”


“Be a hot ten minutes,” Garrett said. “That girl wants to pop your cherry.”


Harlan felt a surge of heat in the pit of his stomach. An electrical tingle in his groin. Like running the Sanderson Cross and being scared half to death.


Garrett was already giving instructions, telling him to take his time and listen for her breathing to change before he shifted. Telling him to get her engine into second gear before unhooking her bra and going for bare skin.


“And writing her a poem.” Garrett shook his head in wonderment. “Smooth move, little brother. She’s breathing hard already.”


“The poem wasn’t about her,” Harlan said. “It was about cars.”


“Hot cars always turn women on.” Garrett rumpled Harlan’s hair. “But if she’s too hot to handle, I may need to take the wheel.”


But Harlan was only half listening. He had an image of Faithlin stretching for the chrome crown on his car and wasn’t worried about unhooking her bra. He didn’t think she’d been wearing one.



Synchronizing the pedals wasn’t half as tricky as going from a cartwheel to a split—varsity cheerleaders were athletic for God’s sake—just another maneuver that required timing and coordination. And practice.


Harlan turned out to be a good teacher. He was patient when she raced the engine, knew enough to keep quiet when she grated the gears, and gave her gentle reminders about not developing bad habits like riding the clutch. She drove around town to practice shifting at traffic lights, and he took her on routes that had stop signs on hills.


Harlan’s car was a‘56 Ford, a blue and white Crown Victoria with a modified V-8 engine which needed, according to Harlan, a little more gallop. Cute. Calling 225 horsepower ‘gallop.’ The car was scary fast and sexy to drive. By the time Faithlin felt comfortable shifting and was working on smoothing out the ride, she discovered how much she loved to drive. Nothing felt quite like it. Standing on a pyramid of cheerleaders in the gym was the end of a performance, a pose. Cruising down North Main behind the wheel was a performance in motion, one with potential. The Crown Vic—Faithlin loved the name—was sleek and lethal as a jungle cat, but she was taming it and learning what it could do. What she could make it do.


Harlan began teaching her things that weren’t in any Driver’s Manual: Revving the engine and popping the clutch, burning rubber and blowing smoke, how to spread a patch and leave a loop. Redlining, speed shifting, and just plain driving fast. And faster. Faithlin was loving it.


And she loved the cheerleaders being jealous, checking Harlan out when he picked her up from practice, admiring his car and making little comments.


“Stick shift. Like you need lessons for that.”


Laughing and talking about parallel parking. About Raelene Bailey taking Billy Stebbins to the gravel pit for some real back seat driving. Girl talk, curious and asking questions about Harlan, but Faithlin let them wonder.


She had decided to break him in slow. After all, he was a rookie and this was going to be her first rodeo too. Dolby Rainer hadn’t amounted to much so he didn’t count. She could take her time with Harlan, parcel it out and let it build so she could enjoy the ride.


She liked the way his breathing quickened when they kissed, the medicinal smell of Vitalis in his hair, and she loved to hear him moan when she arched up and let him press himself against her. A little more each time. She felt it building too.


But everything was building. The sound of a V-8 engine, the smell of hot tires and asphalt, the feeling of being transported when she got her hands on the wheel. Acceleration and speed were intoxicating, and Faithlin was in ecstasy when she caught rubber in second gear. There were feelings she’d never had, and she was discovering what Harlan meant when he said, ‘Let the animal out of the cage.’ Wild things were asleep inside her, and they were waking up.


Tonight she kept the accelerator on the floor in second gear until the tach ran into the red. Six thousand RPMs in second gear. Incredible. And then, out on the state highway, she had the speedometer pushing ninety, driving faster than she’d ever driven before. Faster than her mother’s car would even go.


Laughing at her expression, Harlan took the wheel and drove out to Hastings Flats. “This is where Garrett and I open up and turn it loose.” He began doing things behind the wheel that had her heart pounding in her chest. My God, doing doughnuts and skids and spins, doing emergency brake turns. Going from zero to sixty was like being on a carnival ride. Faithlin timed it while Harlan trimmed it down, getting quicker and faster every time.


“Let me try, Harlan,” she said. “I can do it.”


“Not here,” he said. “In case we meet Garrett.”


Faithlin pulled away from him. “You don’t want your brother to know I drive your car?” She felt her good mood slip away.


“It isn’t that.” Harlan laughed and pulled her back. “We’ve got a surprise.”


Men’s surprises were hard to imagine, but Harlan held the accelerator down and told her to watch the speedometer. She was holding her breath when the needle quivered up and passed a hundred. Definitely over. My God. And Harlan said it had flattened out. That the engine was starving.


“Incredible,” she said. “I can’t imagine going any faster.”


“Garrett’s Chevy will. He even polishes the ports in his four barrel carburetor.”


“A four barrel.” She remembered carburetors from the Heart of ICE poem. “Can’t you do that too?”


“Better than that,” he said. “And I’ve sent for the parts.”


Harlan told her he was working on a setup to make Garrett Sanderson eat their dust. How he’d love to beat his brother at something, anything. He’d never been first at anything around Garrett. And after that, if Faithlin wanted, she could put the speedometer out of sight. The Crown Vic would be ready to do a buck twenty plus change and she could bury the needle. After they beat Garrett, he’d let her do some real hot driving.


Faithlin slid over and put her head on his shoulder. A hundred and twenty miles an hour, maybe more. With her at the wheel. Just thinking about it made her hot. Beating Garrett would be special too.


The Vic was running smooth and they cruised the back roads while the sun went down and filled the pewter sky with dusk. Faithlin loved that word, Dusk, and Elvis was singing ‘It’s Now or Never’ on the radio. She pressed her breasts against Harlan’s arm—no bra today—and rested the warmth of her hand on his thigh. Harlan was shy, letting her take the lead, and she suggested stopping in the gravel pit. For a little while, you know, if you want to.


When the car was full of heat and heavy breathing, Faithlin’s nipples were tingling and she decided to undo the buttons. Go that far at least. Going a hundred miles an hour had started a fire inside. Stirred her in ways that were showing. She wanted him to see her breasts, her swollen nipples, and she wanted to watch his face.


She sat up, straddling his lap and watching his expression change while she undid the buttons on her sweater. Slowly. Unbuttoned every one and then held the sweater open and let him look. It was worth it. He was begging to touch them. Next time she’d let him.


They were quiet driving back to the garage, and Faithlin rolled down her window to cool things off. The throaty sound of the engine blended with Roy Orbison on the radio doing Pretty Woman, and she felt like her life was filling up and coming true.


Garrett was in the work bay of the garage when they came in. Faithlin knew her face was flushed and that Harlan was still hot and bothered and walking funny. Garrett looked at the buttons on her sweater and grinned. He knew what she’d been doing to his brother. Faithlin smiled right back. She wasn’t about to be intimidated by Garrett being Hollywood handsome.


“I did over 80 tonight,” she said. “Harlan says I’m good with speed.”


“I guessed you’d be a natural.” Garrett winked and looked at the blonde streaks Jolene had put in her hair. “The question is, what are you teaching him?”


Harlan jumped in and changed the subject. “The engine was getting mushy at the top end,” he said. “It felt like I was getting valve float or running bad gas.”


And easy as that, they were talking about high-octane fuel and compression rates. Usually she didn’t listen, it was like a foreign language. But now it was interesting. Now it all sounded like sex. Solid lifters and big pistons. Short-stroke engines and faster windups. My goodness.



Harlan’s parts came in the mail. The intake manifold he’d special-ordered from J. C. Whitney with three two-barrel carburetors—triple deuces—he’d gotten the Strombergs. Hooking them up would be tricky, synchronizing the system and adjusting the linkage without Garrett knowing would take time, but he’d gotten a calibration kit and an electric fuel pump. Besides, Faithlin was developing an ear for engines now and would help with the fine tuning.


Harlan loved the look on her face when he explained the linkage. How they would be cruising on one carburetor at quarter-throttle with the other two waiting to kick in. The engine purring like a kitten at a stop light until some gear-head in a jacked-up street rod pulls up and gives them ‘the look.’ The light changes and the Vic becomes a roaring lion and eats the kid alive.


“Flooring it opens the door,” Harlan said. “The linkage lets the animal out of the cage.”


Faithlin hugged him and slid her hands into the back pockets of his jeans. “I can’t wait to drive it,” she said. “I’m excited already.”


Harlan moved his hands onto the flare of her hips, getting excited too, but she leaned back, eyes half-closed and dreamy and said, “And we’ll beat Garrett?”


“That’s the plan,” he said. “A little surprise for big brother.”


“I want to be with you,” she said. “I can’t wait to see his face.”


Harlan couldn’t either, and wanted her there. But lately Garrett had been weird about Faithlin.


“She’s got you by the balls, Brother. Your pecker will shrivel up and fall off if you don’t use it soon.”


Harlan was sorry he’d told him about that night. About hitting a hundred with the Vic and Faithlin undoing her sweater.


“And you sat there like a deer caught in the headlights.” Garrett laughed. “But then, that girl’s headlights are always on high beam.”


Harlan didn’t like him talking that way about Faithlin’s breasts. “We’re taking it slow,” he said, but thinking about her nipples made him hard. And he wouldn’t be asking his brother for any more advice. This was private now, something special with Faithlin, and he hated it when Garrett called her a tease. Saying to bring her up to the Flats and show her the Cross. Nothing like a near-death experience to get a girl ready to rock and roll. Harlan said he’d give it some thought.


He didn’t like the way his brother was today either. And he kept hanging around after they finished old lady Bartlett’s transmission and put away the tools. Faithlin had been in and out all afternoon, talking recipes with Ma and pumping gas for Pop. Harlan had her put new Blue Jewel taillights on the Ford while they waited for Garrett to leave so they could get started.


But Garrett was still bragging about his Chevy taking them apart up on the Flats. Even beating some of the new ‘60s. How he’d nailed a Plymouth Fury and a Pontiac Star Chief, and just last night he’d kicked some Chrysler ass.


“But you do things to your car,” Faithlin said. “Add extras.”


“Racing is about winning.” Garrett gave her a knowing look. “Everybody thinks they’ve got something special under the hood.”


As much as the attitude and arrogance annoyed him, Harlan felt a surge of confidence. He and Garrett had been playing cat-and-mouse with cars and horsepower since they started driving. Extra carburetion was fair.


“Of course there’s weight and the gear ratio of automatics,” Garrett admitted, being modest now. “Torqueflite, Hydramatic, even the Chevy Powerglide is sluggish. Show me a heavy car with automatic, and I’ll show them my exhaust.”


“What about new Fords?” Harlan asked. “Have you run a Galaxie?”


“Bad news, Good news.” Garrett laughed. “New Fords don’t have the power to pull a sick whore off a piss pot. Even your ‘56 will blow the doors off a Galaxie.”


Harlan winced. He didn’t like that kind of talk around Faithlin, but she ignored it.


Garrett was putting the top down on his convertible for a night of cruising. “This is the car to beat, Little Brother.” He winked at Faithlin. “I’ve got the fastest stick in the state.”


When Garrett finally left, Harlan pulled the Vic into the garage and they went to work. Changing the manifold and mounting the Strombergs took longer than expected. Connecting the linkage was trial-and-error and making constant adjustments to smooth out the engine. But Faithlin was patient and helpful, learning the language of mechanics and handing him tools: wrenches and screwdrivers—flathead and phillips—deep-well sockets and ratchet extensions. And she adjusted the idling screws while he lengthened the linkage.


The language Faithlin was teaching him required no words: reaching for tools and brushing hands, working side-by-side underneath the hood, and resting her hand on his leg during road tests. Language with a physical vocabulary, and Harlan was feeling it.


But he knew not to rush things:


Garrett ran high test in his Chevy—93 octane—saying, “Vitamins for my horses.”


Harlan filled up with aircraft fuel—120 octane—thinking, ‘Vitamins for race horses.’


Garrett had a Mallory dual-point distributor.


Harlan put in a three-quarter cam and solid lifters.


They were getting to it and Harlan planned to be looking at his brother in the rearview mirror. And then he’d wave.


The Sanderson Wave, Garrett’s signature move. Lift a lazy hand and draw a big S in the air. An arrogant, slow-motion S. And put a period at the end. “Punctuate it,” Garrett said. “Because it’s over. A Sanderson Wave means goodbye; it ends when you point at the guy you beat.”


The Sanderson Wave. Garrett even did it when they made the Cross, but that happened so fast Harlan always kept both hands on the wheel. But this time he’d give Garrett a dose of it. After they came off the line and his Ford jumped out front, Harlan would hit second gear and raise his hand to draw the big S—Goodbye Garrett—pointing while he pulled away.


Faithlin laughed when he practiced tracing a sensual S in the air in front of her, like he was drawing her profile. She smiled, stepping into the space, and arched her back. Her face was flushed and expectant, beautiful.


“You Sanderson boys have sexy moves,” she said. “But when are we going to race?”


Harlan was ready to take on the Chevy. He had a mathematical advantage: Three twos vs a four-barrel. The Vic had the equivalent of a T-Bird engine and accelerated like a striking cobra when he jumped on it. He hoped his transmission could handle the torque. Three wide-open Strombergs blasting through BBK headers sounded like a top fuel dragster. A crazy one that burned nitrous oxide and went about a thousand miles an hour in two seconds. Then needed a parachute to stop.


“Tonight,” he said. “If Garrett heard the rumors and takes the bait.”


He had, and he did, and he was fuming. “Faithlin has been blowing smoke,” he said. “Your little twinkie told Jolene that your car is faster than mine. Half the girls at the Hair Shed are believing it.”


Harlan felt a small moment of deceit, but Garrett was already talking about the run. Calling it a ‘Moment of Truth’ and saying he hoped it wouldn’t break Harlan’s heart when his girl wanted to ride home in the Chevy.


Honest to God. Sometimes Garrett was too much. This wasn’t like a movie where the girl goes home with the winner, but the look on Garrett’s face gave him a cold chill.


“Faithlin’s not the prize,” he said. “Just to be clear.”


“Let’s make the run,” Garrett said. “See how it goes.”


With the summer heat yet to come—and graduation two weeks away—it was a perfect night for racing. Harlan picked up Faithlin and drove up to the Flats, listening to the music of his engine and feeling the thunder of the Strombergs when they opened up. They were tuned and ready with the kinks smoothed out of the linkage. Tonight they were responding without a single cough or stutter, going from idle to wide open without an instant’s hesitation. The Vic was ready; Harlan felt it.


Harlan loved Rebel Without A Cause where Natalie Wood stood between the cars and dropped her arms to start the race. But Faithlin would be riding with him—she was part of this now—and drag racing in Hastings was simpler. Two vehicles lined up at the south end—on a start line painted years ago—revving up while they counted down—then raced to the Route 5 sign halfway down the flats. More than a quarter mile and far enough to answer any questions. Harlan had done the ritual a hundred times before, beaten every kid and every car at school, but Garret always pulled away. Got him by a car length doing zero to sixty and still gaining in the quarter. Tonight would be different; Harlan knew it.


More than a dozen cars had parked in the roadside pullout where a crowd—mostly kids from school—had started a small fire in a barrel. Billy and Raelene were sitting on the hood of his car, and Billy gave him a thumbs-up when they went by.


“The word got around,” Harlan said. “How did they know?”


“I told the cheerleaders.” Faithlin opened her window and waved. “I wanted them to see.”


Garrett was waiting at the start. His convertible top was up for better aerodynamics and he was looking down at the crowd. “I’m glad you brought witnesses.” He grinned at Faithlin. “You should have sold tickets.”


The arrogant tone settled Harlan’s pre-race jitters. “We’re ready to go,” he said. “Do you want two out of three?”


“Let’s wind them up,” Garrett said. “One run for all the marbles.”


It was a clean start: screaming tires, a cloud of blue smoke but coming off the line together with the Vic nosing ahead. It was finally happening. A quarter car length in low gear—incredible—redlining through the power curve and catching rubber in second. Zero to 60 faster than he’d ever done before—unbelievable—with the Vic out in front and still gaining.


Sound layered on sound for the sweetest moment of Harlan’s life. His engine screaming in his head, Faithlin screaming in his ear ‘Yes, Yes, Yes.’ It was a decisive win. Over a car length at the sign and Harlan so excited he didn’t even look at the speed. Both of them so excited they’d forgotten to wave.


It happened so quickly; it was over so soon.


Harlan’s heart was racing when they turned around and stopped at the end of the flats. He wanted Garrett to ask for another run, but he didn’t. Garrett did come over to the car and ask for a look under the hood.


Harlan showed him the Strombergs, filled with pride and wanting to talk linkage, but Garrett shook his head. “That’s a great set up,” he said. “But now it’s not a stock engine.”


“Neither is yours,” Faithlin said. “Can’t you just admit we won?”


Garrett studied her for a moment. “The Ford was hot tonight,” he said. “But we’ll run again.”


“Anytime,” she said, pulling on Harlan’s arm. “We can’t wait.”


They parked in the old gravel pit beside the river. The sound of peepers filled the air with Elvis singing Are You Lonesome Tonight on the radio. Harlan slid across the seat and reached for Faithlin. He’d finally beaten his brother, and she’d been with him. No, he wasn’t lonesome, but the sultry voice and the lyrics of the song made him ache inside.


They were kissing now, long slow kisses, with Faithlin melting against him and filling the car with heat. He kissed her again and slid his hand underneath her blouse, but she pushed him away.


“Wait, Harlan,” she said. “So you can see.”


His protest died in his throat when she slid back against her door and unbuttoned her blouse. Slowly, undoing it top to bottom, then taking it off completely. She reached back to undo the bra, slid it down her arms and let her breasts spring out. Ivory white with the nipples pink and erect. Harlan reached, his hands trembling.


“Not yet,” she said. “Take off your shirt.”


He did, holding his breath and watching her unzip her skirt and push it down over her hips. She kept her underpants on. A wisp of pale blue silk with lace trim and a monogram. FFH. Faithlin Felice Hardy, posing for him in her panties, sexier than Playboy magazine.


Then they were kissing, skin against skin, and she drew his hands up to her breasts. Telling him to hold them and kiss them. Jesus. She held his head against them and let him suck her nipples until he felt like he would explode. My God, he was so hard it hurt. Then her hands were on him, pulling at his belt and unzipping his Levis. He almost couldn’t breathe. She reached in to hold him, her hands warm and moving until he made a strangled gasp and collapsed against the seat. And like that, it was over.


But Faithlin was smiling when they got dressed. “Next time we’ll go slower,” she said. “This part is not a race.”



Faithlin was surprised at how much the race had turned her on. Like an aphrodisiac. But speed and power were seductive, and Harlan’s car was fast and sexy. She wished she’d been driving. And she really wished she could have seen Garrett’s expression when they won. Like watching Harlan’s face while she was taking off her clothes. Maybe better.


Just thinking about it got her hot. That whole night had been wild—half the kids in school came to watch—like cheering at center court, but she’d been a player. A participant, and she’d been riding in the winning car. She almost couldn’t breathe at the start, but she’d gone screaming crazy when Harlan pulled ahead. And every nerve ending in her body was on fire when they won.


Of course Garrett hated to admit losing. He’d practically ignored them after they won the race, then claimed that Harlan’s engine wasn’t fair. And acted like Johnny Thunder when he drove off in his convertible to fast-talk some woman into the back seat. Probably tell her how he won so she’d get all hot and bothered and go all the way.


Faithlin felt like it herself. Down in the gravel pit, still tingling inside, and getting Harlan so excited that he came right in her hand. She’d loved him being that needy and so helpless afterward. And grateful. It made her feel like a woman.


Harlan had been quiet driving home. She slid over and pressed against him until she realized what he was thinking. “Garrett didn’t like it,” he said. “I thought he’d be impressed.”


“He was,” she said, and straightened up. “He couldn’t believe we won.”


“He’ll come up with something faster.” Harlan shrugged. “He always does.”


She put her foot on top of his and pushed it down on the gas. The Strombergs opened up and filled the night until she felt the sound down in her core. “You won, Harlan,” she said. “We’re faster.”


There’d been lots of talk at school, but with Senior Projects coming due, the week had practically flown. Faithlin had yet to pick a topic, but Harlan’s was about Henry Ford. Of course.


Saturday morning now with her mother drinking coffee and getting motherly. “You’re spending lots of time with Harlan. Why not bring him here?”


“He has to work,” she said. “And I thought you liked him.”


“I do like him, but be careful. Especially if he’s like his brother.”


Careful. Her mother’s code for sex.


“Don’t worry Mom. I know the rules.”


But the rules were changing. Half the senior girls were doing it, or practically. All the ones that were going steady. And last month Raelene Bailey missed her period. She planned on telling Billy right after graduation.


“Don’t forget the car rules either. The Sanderson boys didn’t get cars like that to drive to church.”


Faithlin hoped her mother didn’t know about the race. The brother competition. Or that Harlan was letting her drive a little faster every time. She couldn’t wait to really open up those Strombergs out on the flats.


After she cleaned her room, she helped her mother with the laundry before going down to the garage. The Sanderson and Sons sign needed repainting which reminded her that Raelene would be having a baby. Someday, she thought. Someday she’d have a son with Harlan to carry on the tradition. But not until they finished having fun and were settled down.


The work bay doors were closed, but she heard the clink of metal and ratchet sounds and found Garrett working on his engine. He looked up when she came in.


“Harlan’s making a hot run to Auto Supply. Poppadoodle needed parts in a hurry.” He closed his hood, giving her his Elvis smile. “And now that his car is faster . . . well . . . you know.”


Faithlin felt the usual quiver of attraction. He was something.


“It is faster,” she said. “You could have said ‘Congratulations.’”


“That would have been premature.”


Something in Garrett’s tone set off an alarm. He was putting away the tools, but she saw the J. C. Whitney boxes on the workbench.


“What have you been doing in there now?”


“Get in.” He grinned and opened the passenger door. “I’ll show you.”


The top was down, and her hair blew everywhere. Her skirt was blowing halfway up her legs, and she pinched it between her knees to hold it down. Garrett headed up River Road to the flats. Once or twice, when the car began to skid, he smiled and turned into it, driving with one hand and accelerating. He was quite the driver, but she’d always known that.


The wind blew the engine sound away, but a muted roar followed them onto Hastings Flat. Garrett did a couple fast starts, letting her feel the acceleration and ran the tach into the red in second gear. Then he opened up, telling her she’d probably wet her pants if they met Harlan now Half his words were blown away and she ignored the rest. It was just Garrett talk.


“Let me drive,” she said. “I want to try it.”


“What if it’s more than you can handle?”


There it was again, that infuriating tone, but he stopped to let her slide into the driver’s seat. Faithlin knew he’d changed the engine; she’d known it from the sound, but she really felt it now. Felt the heavy throb of power when she revved up. The car was like a living thing when she let out the clutch and it almost got away—it was lighter than the Vic—but she corrected and kept the pedal down. My God. The car was very fast. She accelerated out of second and into high with the wheel so sensitive it felt like flying. Incredible. Faster than she’d ever driven.


Her hands were trembling when she stopped and shut the engine off. Garrett opened the hood and showed her what he’d done. There were two air cleaners in there now. Big ones. He’d added another carburetor.


“Dual quads,” he said. “Two four barrels, in case you didn’t know.”


She did know. He started to explain but Faithlin shook her head. “Harlan told me this would happen,” she said. “He knew you’d do something,”


“It will be more fun if Harlan doesn’t know.”


His voice was low and husky and he was smiling, more superior than ever. He stood so close she could smell his after shave. Her stomach fluttered and she didn’t trust herself to speak. She walked around the passenger side and got back in the car, but Garrett followed her and stood so close she couldn’t close the door.


“Harlan’s just a kid,” he said. “He’ll always be sucking hind tit.”


“You’ve got such a mouth,” she said, but she was remembering Harlan’s lips nuzzling at her breast.


And Garrett’s hands were on her shoulders, pressing her down against the seat. “Garrett,” she said, but he was leaning in and kissing her. And she let him, going with it. Not exactly kissing back, but curious. He tasted of coffee and kissed her hard, trying to overwhelm her with passion, like she’d be swept away She nearly was. Because Garrett Sanderson was faster than the car he drove. His hands were under her skirt and sliding up her legs. Fast. His fingers twisted in the waistband of her panties and pulled. She didn’t mean to—no time to think—because she lifted her hips and let him take them down. They were off and gone before she could change her mind and stop the momentum.


She’d always known it would come to this. But now she knew how it had to end. She pushed him away, saying, “Garrett, No!” feeling dizzy, almost sick inside. She told him No! again, and then again, afraid he wouldn’t stop, afraid she couldn’t, but kept saying it until she felt the animal heat begin to fade.


Garrett swore, but moved to let her up. “What are you saving it for?”


“For Harlan,” she said. “I want it to be Harlan.”


The sun came through the trees and dappled light played on her legs. She pulled her skirt down, still naked underneath, and pulled herself together. Garrett watched her, but he didn’t try again, and she tried to believe it was because he loved Harlan too.



Harlan drove the Vic into the second bay and opened the hood. It was running rough, skipping a beat and pausing when he floored it. He pulled down a drop light and got the tools to start adjusting. As much as he loved progressive linkage, the constant tuning was a nuisance. He turned up the idling screws and tinkered with the fuel mixture, but he’d been expecting Faithlin and finally gave her a call.


“Raelene is here and needs to talk,” she said. “I’ll be over later.”


“Garrett’s acting weird,” he said. “Pop sent him out with the fuel truck, but he wants another run today. Probably cranked up something on the Chevy. Planed the heads or something.”


Harlan thought she’d love to race again and was surprised at her reaction.


“But we beat him,” she said. “You won, Harlan. Why race again?”


“He’s my brother.” Harlan laughed. “I have to give him another chance.”


“Do you?” Faithlin hesitated again. “I’m not sure he’d give you one.”


Garrett was right about women. Don’t expect them to make sense.


It was still early afternoon when Billy Stebbins pulled in with his old Plymouth. It was a ‘49, ten years old, but the body still looked good.


“The clutch is going,” Billy said. “Can you fix it so Raelene can use it while I’m gone?”


“Where you going? Didn’t her Daddy line you up for the day shift at the plant?”


“I enlisted. Two days ago, when I turned eighteen.”


Harlan whistled. Here was Billy Stebbins raising his hand and volunteering to leave town when everything he needed for a great life was right here.


“What about Raelene? She may not wait around for you to come home.”


“I haven’t told her yet,” Billy said. “It’s a graduation surprise. The car too.”


Harlan had been thinking about getting Faithlin a ring. Not engagement or like that, just a nice one that fit. She’d been wearing his class ring around her neck on a chain. It looked good but sometimes it got in the way.


They talked school for a while: graduation and parties, beer blasts and skinny-dipping, and then Harlan looked at the Plymouth. He’d worked on it before and guessed he could make some adjustments. Girls always rode the clutch, but if Raelene drove it right she could make it last until Billy came back. If he did.


“She’ll like the car, Billy. Park it behind Garrett’s and I’ll get to it next.”


Harlan found Faithlin’s panties when he was moving Garrett's car. They were under the seat. The wispy blue silk with lace trim and FFH. Under the passenger seat in Garrett’s car. An icy fist gripped his heart.


He’d worried about Dolby Rainer. Faithlin promised him nothing had happened, but now this. He stared at the monogram, remembering Garrett’s women and willing the letters to change. There’d been a Farrah and one called Foxy, but no FFH. Nothing even close. Harlan held them up and looked again. They were hers.


He went into the bathroom and pressed the silk against his face. His legs went weak and a wave of nausea twisted in his stomach. The shock of understanding took him to his knees and he began to cry. Dry, wracking sobs tearing him apart inside. He slumped over the toilet, crying and retching and tried to stop the rush of images flowing through his head.


He kept seeing them together, like they were in a movie, but Harlan was creating all the details and visualizing what they did. It was a strangely erotic torture, but he couldn’t make it stop. Nor did he want it to. Being the director, giving them directions and moving them in his mind brought a strange measure of relief. It gave him the perverse satisfaction of somehow being in control. He replayed the scene again, horrified but fascinated when he ran it in slow motion. The scene that would repeat forever in a movie that would never end.


When he finally stopped crying and the nausea went away, a sense of resignation settled in. His head felt cold and numb, but he was filled with an icy calm. The world was coming back and he’d have to face it soon. Because somebody was out there now, rattling around in the office.


It was double-crossing Garrett—his son-of-a-bitch brother—knocking on the bathroom door and running his motor mouth. “Quit playing with your dipstick in there? You can’t check Faithlin’s oil if it’s all worn out.”


Harlan flushed the toilet and turned on the water in the sink. He didn’t trust himself to speak, but didn’t have to; Garrett’s mouth was in overdrive.


“She’s been holding out so long it’ll be like putting a railroad spike into a BB Gun.” Garrett rattled the door and laughed. “Fire up the Ford and follow me out to the Flats. I’m ready to get it on again.”


Harlan put the panties in his pocket and opened the door to look his brother in the face. Expecting to see . . . what? Deceit in his eyes? Guilt and shame for the betrayal? But there was nothing. Harlan should have known. Garrett didn’t even understand that it mattered. It was as though it never happened. Nothing bothered his brother. Garrett was the way he’d always been; Harlan saw that clearly now. And he understood that Garrett would never change; it was the way he would always be.


But Garrett was already outside calling back, ‘Let’s go,’ and smiling when he started his car. He closed his eyes and listened to it rumble to life. Harlan followed him, fighting to control his emotions but hearing the throaty resonance of the Chevy’s engine. He knew why his brother wanted the rematch.


Garrett grinned and gave it a little gas. “Did you look under the hood when you moved my car?”


Harlan forced himself to speak. “Not under the hood.” His voice was detached and cold, like it was coming from an observer far away.


But Garrett was oblivious. He grinned again before he slipped the Chevy into gear. “Bring Faithlin when you come,” he said. “We’ll give her a little thrill before the race.” He revved his engine and pulled away, heading for the Flats to beat his brother and take his girl. Same as always.


Harlan was working on Billy’s car when Faithlin drove in. Knowing that she’d been looking under Garrett’s hood added fuel to his smoldering rage. He watched her park her mother’s car and check her hair in the rearview mirror. Once an endearing gesture, but he was seeing her clearly now and steeled himself to meet her eyes.


“Garrett’s up on the Flats,” he said. “Waiting for us to race.”


“But what if he made changes to his engine?” Faithlin’s blue eyes were filled with guile. “You always said he finds a way to beat you.”


“He always has,” he said. “So we’ll surprise him.”


Harlan slid his hand into his pocket and touched her panties. They were the confirmation of her betrayal, but the contact gave him courage. He went over to the Vic and opened the driver’s door. “Warm it up for us,” he said. “Give it a road test while I finish Billy’s car.”


“Do you want me to—”


“Run it out to the Flats. I’ll be ready when you come back.”


Faithlin was a beautiful girl, and Harlan felt his heart twist when she started the car. He traced the chrome V along the door. The Vic was a beautiful car too and it was not too late.


But the movie was running in his head and the moment ended; it was too late for regret.


Harlan gave her the Sanderson Wave when she drove away. The animal was out of the cage. He went back inside to work on Billy’s car. Raelene would need a lot of clutch with Billy gone, and the pressure plate was worn. Harlan was making the adjustments when he heard the sound of sirens heading for the Flats.




Copyright 2014 © by Steven J. Cahill.

 
  • Writer: Robert Giron
    Robert Giron
  • Jan 13, 2021

All the Obvious Reasons

by Lynn Stegner


What you heard were the hooves of the three horses with the mule at the end clattering through the rounded stone along the river, the first and the third horse steady, carefully picking their ways, but the one in the middle, a small dark Arabian, skittering and taking too many steps to cover the same distance, some of the steps sideways and even back, one jump ahead of a fit, as the man downriver who had saddled her remarked.


“You can handle her.” He nodded toward Harry. “Your man says you can handle a horse.”


“Sure I can,” Charlotte had said.


Harry believed everything she told him. He could afford to believe things and he was generous with that endowment, extending it to everyone. He had had the kind of upbringing that fostered commendable attributes like trust and courage and Honor, capital H. It was what she liked best about him, how clean-swept his life had been. Harry Fairbanks. How could she lose?


Of course it was easier to be honorable with nothing much to challenge those limits.


“I’ve ridden my share of horses,” she added.


But the other one, the Indian, probably knew better. The Indian didn’t look at her as she mounted, as she snugged up the reins, slipping her ring finger between the two strands of leather, her right hand clenched and holding the slack off to the right, her posture perfectly trained and the mare already jittering beneath her. The Indian, a thoroughly plausible individual who did not watch but who could assuredly hear the animal snorting and huffing—she knew that he knew the horse was too much for her. Already dark bands of sweat were spreading like ink along the Arabian’s shoulders and inside her flanks, her skin twitching, and not from the flies. Abra was her name.


It was just another one of the things Charlotte had probably lied about. All those years of riding lessons, keeping her heels down and her eyes up, and she had never sat a horse well. Mr. Purdy had said that she wouldn’t let herself become one with the animal—it was the sixties, and people had begun to say things like that, even riding instructors at fancy clubs—but now, seven years later, she knew it to be true. She had kept herself above and separate from the horses she had ridden, which had not been that many, all-told. Horses had been one of her youthful infatuations, and to her thinking infatuations demanded mastery, not union. Mastery, she thought, was a trick of the mind. Something you might try to sell yourself at the end of a long day when it was harder to believe that you knew what you were doing and were in charge.


They made a strange procession, the Indian, the girl, and then the tall man leading the mule, as they set off up the Fraser River, keeping close to the water where there were fewer mosquitoes and deer flies. For a while there had been sandy bars and shores and plenty of open sunlight, with the wet belt of alder, birch, black cottonwood and willow standing back and letting them proceed without trouble or interference. It was early June, the peak of spring runoff, so the broad banks were often wet from a recent surge, and the wildrye or mugwort or reeds flattened and muddy from the flood water’s scouring rush. In the wide swaths of river rock, silt girded the larger stones, and there might be pockets of water warming in the sun from which the bugs lofted as they passed. On the drive up from Vancouver the smells had been of pulp mills and new asphalt where the Ministry of Transportation had been paving over one of the roads the map still indicated was dirt, and of course the smell of the peanuts Harry ate with compulsive intent—“Protein?” he asked, offering her some. Foodstuffs had been stripped of their individuality and trained into conforming ranks of dietary requirements. It was all very scientific. Protein was the thing in 1970, the superstar. VIP-for-protein, Harry once told her. Protein and the wonders of frozen vegetables, though they had conceded to cans for part of the trip.


Now in the midday heat along the river the smell was of rotting vegetation, and at random intervals, when the new obscure tension in her chest became too much, she clicked the mare into the shallows where Charlotte felt she could breathe again. Somehow it reminded her of what had happened, that smell. She could not yet bring herself to say “happened to her.” She was not ready for that claim that would invite something for which she was not ready, some form of psychic catastrophe, a free-falling departure from the high mastery. She was not ready for much of anything yet, in fact, maybe only this trip, one week long, with Harry and the Indian guiding them up through the system of waterways and lakes that veined interior British Columbia.


It did not take more than an hour or so for Charlotte to give up trying to post, which anyway had been mostly to demonstrate that she knew how. The Arabian’s trot was so fast, so frenetic, everything about her distracted and ready to bolt, that Charlotte could not settle into anything rhythmic. It would not have done to let Abra take the bit, but neither did Abra give Charlotte any indication of reliable consent. They were in some kind of standoff without having the least provocation. She was a beautiful little horse, spirited and athletic, big anxious eyes; and Charlotte, at 110 pounds, could not have been more than the lightest of burdens, insubstantial as a toy up there, or dismissible erratum. The standoff felt uncalled-for. They ought to have liked each other, made a pair—that seemed to be the idea back at the outfitter’s. So Charlotte simply endured it, her bum, her spine jarred and twisted, Abra’s hindquarters suddenly bounding out from under her, her head thrown down, her graceful neck swinging sideways. What a week it would be, battling this four-legged tempest. And yet Charlotte could not help admiring her defiance, her anger, so free and absent of cause. Abra was all heart.


On the first night they camped along the Mighty Fraser; Harry liked to call it that, liked to indulge in small flourishes of speech. The rest of the week would be spent east of the Fraser, in the area between Kamloops and north to 100 Mile House. The Indian was one of the Shuswap, an interior Salish tribe, and he knew the area well enough that even the man with the horses had called him by his Salish name, One-See, because he was the only one left who had seen each of the rivers and creeks, the lakes without names, the trails that vanished into the high timber. Harry’s father had used him when Harry was a boy, and later, the boy grown, had tracked him down and hired him for fishing trips with his buddies. This trip was different, because of the girl and what had happened.


At twenty, Charlotte was not technically a girl any longer. But she was so petite and so well proportioned, so big-eyed and doll-like, that everyone treated her like a naïf. Or like something not quite real yet. On campus some of the guys referred to her as Harry’s trinket, and there had been two occasions on which strangers had mistaken her for his child. He was ten years older, about to finish his degree in medicine at UBC. His mother had taken ill and he had had to leave school for three years to help care for her. It had devolved into one of those eerily satisfying romantic stories—she had died of cancer, and thirty-two hours later, Harry’s father had up and died of a disease no one even knew he had, but which everyone decided was grief, pure and simple. They were a poor couple from the mountain town of Revelstoke, and Harry was the family star.


Charlotte was convinced that it would be the same for her and Harry—they would go more or less together. She did not think that she could bear it otherwise. People left: they broke down and were carted off, or they moved away, or they up and died. But not Harry, not this time.


The Indian unsaddled and staked the horses, then he offloaded the grub boxes and staked the mule too, graining them with hands cupped while Harry and Charlotte leveled out a tent site and gathered armfuls of wood for a fire. There was plenty lying about from the runoff and it did not take long.


“Reuben,” Harry said to the Indian, for he would never know him well enough to call him by his Salish name, “shall we try our luck?”


Reuben was studying the surface of the river. He turned and nodded toward the rods, jointed and ready, propped in the crook of a cedar. After he had watched the water and the bugs skimming or dancing off the sheen, he came back and fingered up some flies from the box, then the two of them worked their way downstream while Charlotte put up the tent she and Harry would share. They were four months married but it still felt funny to her, spending all of the night hours with him. Even now, it was exciting to wake up and find him beside her, like a holiday morning surprise with its sudden extravagance of joy that sent a hum through her breast, anticipatory and guilty, as if she were getting away with something. Still here, she thought, still right here. She had developed a secret habit of happiness, trilling the sheets with her toes, before conceding that the day must end or begin. As a child there had been too many mornings when, awakening, there was no one there.


Charlotte’s father was a G.P. in Ottawa. After her mother had been institutionalized, and then the years of him trying to conceal the women he saw, (because he was still a handsome man, after all, a vital man with needs, was how the maturing Charlotte came to understand the situation, his beard nicely trimmed, his shirts professionally pressed, no one could blame him, really), he moved to Ottawa so that he could see the women openly. In the tidy little city of Penticton where they had lived, people would have talked. Divorce was out of the question; one did not divorce someone who had had a mental breakdown. One did not abandon the elaborate beauty and comforts of social form for content, no matter how authentic. This was not America, after all, where messy realities throve.


That same fall when her father joined a practice in Ottawa and Charlotte began her freshman year at UBC, her mother was relocated to a Home in Vancouver. In the two years since, nothing had changed for Mary, and Charlotte’s visits had dwindled to once a month. But a week ago just after what happened Charlotte had gone off-schedule to see her. Ignoring the rest of it, Mary was her mother, and this was the sort of thing you brought to a mother, something only a mother might be able to fix, or at least soften.


“Where are the bruises?” her mother asked her.


It was a reasonable question. Where were they? Why hadn’t she fought?


Mary was having a bad day, they told her, and so the visit had taken place in the special room that was divided by a half wall, with heavy wire mesh rising from the low counter, their two chairs positioned on opposite sides. Her mother pressed her face against the wire, squinting at Charlotte’s visible body parts, her face and neck, her forearms, searching for the bruises Charlotte had not thought to earn.


She had been hitchhiking. She hadn’t ought to have been hitchhiking.


In a little while Harry and the Indian returned. She watched them coming toward her, their heads bowed in conversation, their boots sinking slightly in the wet sand and gravel. How she liked seeing him come toward her, like a marvelous and improbable piece of news. He brought the whole billowing world with him. And he walked like a man who knew he owned a place in that world. Harry, tall and lithe as poplar, was wearing the bright eager expression of a boy convinced he’s about to figure out something grand, or very likely already has. His thinning hair was something she liked, confirming his seriousness of purpose. He took her seriously, too, her compact body, her moods, the things she said that often surprised him. Harry did not think that he was easy to surprise, but as it turned out, he was.


Beside him, shoulder-height and still black-haired despite his age, the Indian paced along with a great and serious fortitude, every step somehow both difficult and destined. The sun was down behind the broad canyon walls and with it, the wind had dropped too, so that all she could hear was the water coursing over the river stone, and the hollow knocking of an oil drum that had washed downriver and eddied between a gravel bar and the place where they had made camp; and then once Harry’s laugh, cool, clipped and easy, as if he were trying to draw out a reluctant child. Harry was going to be a pediatrician and it seemed to her that he had chosen the perfect field, one that suited his encouraging nature.


“You didn’t catch anything,” she remarked.


He shrugged. “Wasn’t the point.”


Without quite looking at her, the Indian gave a languid side-wary acknowledgment and paced over to where the grub boxes sat beneath a stand of cottonwood and began rummaging through one of them. He was inscrutable, moving with a slight stoop that did not appear to come from any weariness but from contemplation to which, so far, he had given neither of them access.


She turned to Harry. “Aren’t we here to fish?”


He squatted beside her, offering her a swig from his flask. “This is a salmon river. Sockeye, coho, chinook…mostly Sockeye. Steelhead if you’re lucky. But Steelhead run at night. Reuben noticed a pool downriver, a pool with watercress where Steelhead like to hide.”


It irritated her, his mini lecture. Sometimes Harry knew too much. “So what was the point?” Lately it was important to her that things have a point, a specific and well-defined objective, and it helped, too, to know just how long things would take, each task, each job, so that every bit of every day would be used up doing something good and productive, something worthy that an imaginary presence who was always watching you might tick off a list. She had become a furious housekeeper; she balanced the checkbooks to the penny; she completed and then went back over her homework. Charlotte did this, she did that…. Industry stitched the day together, and so far nothing vital had bled through the open wound that morning seemed to bring.


He placed the back of his fingers against her cheek and gave it a feathery possessive stroke. “Oh, just to try it out, set the mood. We’re after trout. That’s inland, where we go tomorrow.”


“I like it here,” she said, tossing a pebble into the river, not wanting to belong to anyone at that moment, not even Harry.


In the flat light of dusk the river stretched away from her to the slanting and distant canyon wall, gray-brown, the water too, gray-brown like tea with milk, but cold, the surface a moving slick of indifference as it slid downward to the sea. The way the water moved, not flowing but huge and muscled from underneath as if it were pushing something impossible out of its way, and that one couldn’t see but knew was there just around the next bend—that was what she liked, that pushing, that deep, heavy determination to shove the unseen thing down the canyon and out of the way. Lakes were motionless; lakes did nothing but lie there looking pretty and inviting and stupidly susceptible.


“You’ll like it at the lakes too,” Harry was saying just then. “You can swim.”


“I might not want to swim.”


“You love to swim.”


“I don’t want to swim. Not anymore.”


“Sure you’ll swim, Char. You’ll do everything you were going to do. Nothing’s changed.”


She tossed another pebble in the water. “Everything’s changed.”


“No.”


“I’m not going to swim.”


“Don’t be this way, Charlotte. Give it some time. Your feelings will change.”


“I’m never ever swimming again.”


He sighed, considered the flask in his hand, and then took another swallow. “The lakes are beautiful. You’ll see.”


“I don’t care about lakes or how beautiful they are or how much you think I’ll like it or won’t like it, or hate it. I’m tired of swimming.”


He seemed about to take her hand but thought better of it. “You’re in a mood.”


“That’s right, Harry. It’s just a mood. Nothing you have to think too long or too hard about. Call the next patient, order up another tray of animals to dissect, make notes in your notebooks, schedule a follow-up.” A mosquito bite on her forearm had made itself known and she was scratching it down to a dot of pulp to put a quick end to the itching. “Consult with Alex,” she thought to add.


Behind them the woods crowded down a narrow wet draw ending in a hedge of young cedar so dense that she could only worry about what was behind it. She took another sip of Harry’s whisky and glanced over at the Indian to see if he’d been listening. Harry unfolded his long self to help with dinner, leaving her alone. She had wanted to drive him away but was equally disappointed in having succeeded.


She had missed the bus. And she’d seen others, friends of hers with their thumbs out, catching rides with other students into the city, or across the Lions Gate Bridge to North Van where it was cheaper to live. Where she and Harry lived now. Plenty of them did it.


They heated two cans of beef stew over the fire and sopped it up with bread. Afterward, the Indian rinsed the cans in the river, burying them and marking the place so that they would not have to carry them but could pick them up on the way back a week later. He did not drink and he did not eat the candy bars that were Harry’s weakness, his only one, so far as she could tell. Reuben and Harry were familiar with the routine and with each other. They did not need to tell stories, the way men did, establishing who they are and what measure of deference or disregard each warranted. Even among men like her father, men who cared for a living, Charlotte had heard late-night versions of Great White Hunter tales, about patients with problems the books never told them about and that were usually the result of some strange thing they had managed to do to themselves, and these were the stories that had bothered her the most—the unavoidable exposure, the hoped-for and foolish trust, then the hunting tales that betrayed them. Once, even, she had overheard her father talking about her mother—‘will you just stop doing this, Mary,’ Bellows said to her. Bellows was another colleague of theirs in the practice. Charlotte had seen the cuts, too, but until that night, she had not known how they got there.


Around the fire the three of them sat. Reuben had found the desiccated root of a cottonwood five to six centimeters in diameter, and had begun carving it. His nose was striking, the kind suburban women with stereotypical views about Indians might want to paint, with a strong straight center bone, the flesh planning down evenly like the sides of a tent, one in shadow and the other a coppery gleam against the firelight. Harry was reading aloud from the fisherman’s guidebook about Dolly Varden, the trout they were after, “maximum weight, six to seven pounds, 18” long, hearty and colorful, stunningly spotted in scarlet with halos of pale silvery blue.” A log had settled out of the fire and he poked it back in among the embers, releasing a miniature outburst of sparks. “Dollies are anadromous—seagoing.”


Over in the river shallows they could hear the hollow booming of the oil drum against stone. It was so deep and muffled by the current that the sound seemed to come to them subliminally, like some kind of animal, a moaning beast out there calling to them, needing, needing, needing and not about to give up.


“Expect strikes to be savage,” Harry read.


Charlotte had recently begun biting her nails again, a habit leftover from childhood and the time after her mother’s breakdown, a habit now revived with a vengeance. The sound of the drum banging restlessly in the eddy was getting to her. Abruptly, she tore her hand from her mouth and leapt up, plunging into the water. The drum sent up a great rumbling commotion when she reached it; under the trees the Arabian began to dance nervously.


The Indian didn’t rise to help. Harry scrambled his boots off, but Reuben extended one hand, palm down, and Harry stopped, and then the two of them stared into the fire, listening to her struggle to shove the oil drum out of the shallow eddy and into the main current.


Harry put away the guidebook. Reuben’s knife hesitated, then a thin curl of cottonwood grew from it, and then another and another.


“The doctor said to talk about it,” Harry whispered to her later in the tent.


It was pitchy inside the tent walls, but somehow she could see the negative white of his eyes. “I don’t really want to talk about it.”


“He said it would help.”


“I told them everything.”


“Char.”


“The hard parts too. I told everyone everything.” She was thinking at that moment of the younger of the two RCMP officers doing his level best not to expose a twitch of emotion about what she was being asked to tell them, what she heard herself having to say to strangers, to herself who had now become a stranger. “I’m through with my talking.”


The officer had not been much older than she. It was worth hating him for, that and his fumbling inexperience, his dropped clipboard, his fat tender face and the tiniest glint of excitement she was sure she had detected in his eyes. It was like having to talk to a brother, if she had had one to talk to.


Harry propped himself up on one elbow, trying to see her through the darkness. She hadn’t cried yet and they all seemed to be waiting for that—signs of release and metamorphosis. A proper lamentation. But what was it that she had lost? What had slipped from her hands? What had died and what could she grow into, now that she had been ruined?


“Charlotte,” he whispered, “I’m almost a doctor.” She could hear in his tone an attempt at some misguided order of distracting levity, a detour onto the sunny well-tended boulevard that was Harry’s life and career where it was always safe to talk or cry, or to be yourself, because everybody would still love you. Harry was not afraid to be at anyone’s mercy. “Why won’t you talk about it, even with me?”


She rolled over. “For all the obvious reasons.”


Adoration was a dangerous proposition, potholed with hazards, obstructed by roadblocks, strangers asking intrusive questions that challenged your assumed identity. One day, one look across a room at him, and there were things you knew you didn’t dare reveal about yourself. Parts of you were quarantined as abruptly and dismissively as if officials had nailed a sign to your forehead—until further notice—or until you had somehow determined his receptivity—or his immunity—to the bad habits, the nasty thoughts, the lies that lacked any real point, the silly female rituals of love, the regrettable but not forgettable deeds of youth that you were convinced said more about who you were than all the make-up days that followed or coincided with that downfallen, down-at-the-heels version of you yourself.


She hadn’t told them everything. She hadn’t told them, for example, that she had been hitchhiking. They might have thought that she had been asking for it, or at the very least, that she had been reckless. Or that she was some sort of girl that she was not, a girl who hitchhiked.


On the second day they rode east along a creek that cut through the mountains, traveling in and out of shadow and then, leaving the creek, they found themselves beneath the tall fir and cedar and hemlock, resolutely in shadow. A disturbing quietude enveloped the Arabian. Charlotte began to worry that something important had gone out of her; began to wish for the fire and fight of the day before. From the trail a damp fecundity issued, and clouds of mosquitoes materialized, with single or double deer flies orbiting her dark curls and buzzing protest whenever one or the other became entangled. The thumping echo of slow hooves marched them along steadily, the Indian, the girl, and the tall young man leading the pack mule, and for a while no one broke whatever spell had been cast once they had left the sound of moving water and entered the silent forest.


Not long after, the Indian turned his horse, a stocky old stallion unexceptional but for a striking compliancy, and came back alongside Abra. “They like hair,” he said to Charlotte. “Hair like ours.” It was true: the deer flies did not bother Harry with his thin colorless wisps. Abra lifted her nose against the old bay and snuffed as Reuben handed Charlotte a tin of some kind of homemade salve, sharp and bitter smelling, that she was to rub around her neck and tousle into her thick curls. Reuben did the same to his own neck and hair. He had small blunt hands, but they moved—as he did—with a fine deliberation. Everything about the way he moved, in fact, suggested someone conserving himself in the face of an impending battle, an illness that he knew he could not beat, or an unbearable feeling that he knew he would simply and finally have to feel. For the first time since she had met Reuben, she offered a smile and he returned it with a slow solemn nod before resuming the lead.


What possible motive, she had to wonder, could this stranger have for treating her with such unearned and mannerly respect?


Behind her she could hear Harry humming something; he had such a reassuring voice, not especially strong but clear and valorous as rushing water. When the humming stopped she glanced back and saw that he was reading from another of his guidebooks, the one on native trees and plants. It was knowledge that bore no interest for her except in so far as having it might help her acquire some of his power. Harry was a great conqueror of things. When he took on a subject, he took it over entire, not obsessively but with a sanguine thoroughness that sometimes made her nervous, as if, once he had delved her through and through, he would leave her behind just as thoroughly. Charlotte did not want to be another topic on which one day he had finally sated himself. Even if there were not other reasons to hold some of herself back, this was reason enough.


And could he ever forgive her for this new knowledge she had not wanted, for what she had learned about men? A sudden raw shame came into her stomach. She was no longer innocent. She knew things, had done things. All of the shine of being Harry’s girl, Harry’s trinket, had been rubbed off. A dirty, needing, wanting world had simultaneously converted and convicted her: she was an adult. Adults did not need protection. And the very last thing she could stand to lose was Harry’s protection.


A polite distance had opened between Abra and Reuben’s old stallion. She watched the muscles of his rump flex, alternating with each step, left, right, left, right, unhurried and obedient, and felt herself settling into a dozy comfort. Between the Indian and Harry she felt safe; they were keeping her safe, these two men each with his own fields of knowledge, each a conquering hero. For now, she was safe.


And in that safety something terrible stole to the surface: They would not be looking for someone who stopped for hitchhikers; they would be looking for a man with a different approach, more aggressive, more obvious. And there might be another girl out there like Charlotte, just trying it out, hitchhiking for the first time, who maybe was mad about something, in that sort of mood, the devil take it all. There was something real and tangible at stake here—another life, another satchel of innocence someone had managed to carry away from the kingdom of childhood with its unsleeping monsters and its daily traumas disguised as lessons, all of them coming thick and fast as locusts in a private and inescapable parable of biblical proportions. Family bibles, she thought, each one personalized with barren dreams and born crosses, suppers trailing betrayals, doubtful redemptions.


Parables…people either broke down or went off, leaving you alone…that was what her life had taught her. That was the moral of her story. Relentless contingency.


But there was another life, anonymous but real.


She had missed the bus because she and Harry had had a bit of a row. About a woman who was going to be a doctor too—one of his classmates. Alex was her name. Charlotte didn’t even have a major yet, and was in fact considering dropping out, now that she’d met and married Harry. What more could she want, after all? After Harry.


Alex, she thought, staring into the melancholy depth of the forest whose tree trunks and branches scratched out the distance and held her to the narrow viewless path. Alex was probably Harry’s equal in ways that Charlotte could never dream of being or achieving. Even her name suggested equality, male but not male. Charlotte had not understood that Harry’s friend was a woman. Alex this, Alex that. She pictured them side by side, peering into the half-dissected vitals of a bird or a rat, poking about with cold steel tools and making cold steely notations in journals, cracking jokes only an insider could get. Making eye contact.


The bus was gone and there she stood on the curb. Harry was back in the Faculty of Medicine building, and Alex somewhere in there too, and Charlotte was needing to file some kind of cosmic complaint, not exactly for his having Alex, or an Alex, but for occupying a world to which Charlotte would have only peripheral access, wifely access…social events or professional functions or perhaps during staff vacations, she might fill in as the receptionist. She might even help with accounting. She’d always been handy with numbers. Having children would increase the stakes, but just about the time they went off to live their lives, her female charms would begin their inevitable slump and slide. She might take up volunteer work, join a book club, take a last-ditch lover, have a small-scale breakdown. But it would all be part and parcel of the inequality for which she had gladly signed on. She hadn’t driven much of a bargain, had she? And here it was, the seventies. From the very beginning she had been dazzled by Harry. She hadn’t given herself much of a chance or even tried to be a person yet, she’d been so busy setting herself up as Harry’s protectorate.


They camped late along Hat Creek. Using grasshoppers, Reuben and Harry caught a string of rainbows, no more than what they could eat that night, and Charlotte boiled rice, and then there were two cans of Le Sueur peas upon which she had stubbornly insisted. No matter the healthy attributes of frozen vegetables, Charlotte would never give up canned Le Sueur peas. Reuben had gone away and come back fifteen minutes later with a bright orange mushroom, chicken-of-the-woods, which they fried up with the fish. After dinner, after scrubbing the tin plates with gravel and creek water and spacing them out on a downed tree to dry, Charlotte took her towel and wandered downstream until she found a deep enough pool to bathe in. Washing had become especially important, all parts of her body but some more than others. The men had been reminiscing about Harry’s father, and Harry’s voice had gone wobbly. It had been a long day. Everyone was tired. She did not want to hear Harry’s voice with so much feeling in it, not now, not this week. It had the effect of unstitching some of the day’s seams enough to send her back to the tent and into her sleeping bag before any more came loose.


Within minutes, a car pulled to the curb, a turquoise VW beetle, maybe ten years old, judging by the thin chrome bumper and the seat configuration. A cheap car, repainted, balding tires. A student car. Clean—she had noticed that. It had made some kind of skewy difference as she leaned down to look through the passenger door glass. She can’t now remember what he said. What she said. What she remembers: nice-enough looking guy, brown hair cut short but not so short that it said something else, something you wouldn’t want to know. A man who was too fastidious could not be trusted with the accidents of being human. Small brown eyes, round as beads, olive skin, like her own; a checked shirt on a slim torso; flashing smile, bored, or hurried—one or the other—that tells her he might be doing her a favor, that he probably is doing her a favor. So she gets in. Because that’s all she wants right now, a favor from a stranger. Maybe he looks a little like Ricky Nelson, or some other teenage star. She’s not sure. She’s not sure now and doesn’t really want to know, because then she won’t breathe so well.


He has his left hand on the steering wheel and it looks like it’s trying to be casual, that hand with the fingers draped over the top, tapping, though the radio isn’t on so there’s no beat to follow. It’s the other hand that isn’t quite right but she can’t say how. Not when it’s shifting. When it’s shifting it looks fine, but in the space between shifting it seems to scurry back toward his body, or the seat…she’s not sure. There is a smell…vegetables…broccoli, it’s in the top of a paper bag, back seat—he’s been to market. Heading home. His window is half down. Hers is all the way up. The smell of the broccoli is making the car feel smaller than it already is. When she tries to find the window lever he says it’s broken, but it’s actually simply gone. Maybe that’s the first sign. They’re on the Lions Gate Bridge and it’s not so far from Lynn Valley, from the neat middleclass neighborhood she lives in with Harry Fairbanks in their rented bungalow, and so she just wants to get over the bridge and figure out the rest of the way some other way. Walk. That’d be fine with her now. There’s a lot of traffic that is helping her feel all right about this in a roundabout way. Commuters. Commuters seem to make everything feel normal, crankiness and petty aggressions, tailgating. She’s never before hitchhiked, and she decides she’s just nervous. Her mother used to say dramatic. That Charlotte should grow up to be an actress. Her backpack is propped in the gap between the driver and passenger sides, and she rests her hand on it, as if it’s her dog watching out for her. Some of her friends hitchhike regularly. She ought to be able to do it too, though Harry’s always telling her she looks too innocent for ice cream practically. It is something he seems to like about her, so she doesn’t tell him otherwise. It is part of the part of her that isn’t quarantined, her presumed innocence.


He’s telling her that he goes to college too, not University but one of the city colleges. Money, he says, apologizing. It feels like a line he’s used to advantage. Struggling, hard-working fellow cheerfully accepting his lot, making the best of things, philosophical about it, not jealous—that line. Some part of her decides to buy this line. And why not? Half of who anybody was was who he pretended to be, or wanted to be, or had to be just to get along. Then he’s talking about girls he’s dated and how difficult they are, making him quit smoking before they’ll kiss him. University girls, not the ones at the city college—most of them smoke, he says. Now she remembers that he’s chewing gum. He keeps his mouth closed. Someone has taught him manners along the way, but he has a slight under-bite and it doesn’t look all that easy. She would rather not hear about girls and how difficult they are. She’s wondering why he was driving around UBC when he attends one of the city colleges. “I quit smoking 2.6 weeks ago,” he’s telling her, and she makes herself mentally deliberate the .6, whether it means 6 out of 7 days or six-tenths of a week, because he’s still saying things—about mood swings and lack of sleep and periods of random aggression. He says the word “gum,” as if he’s saying “uncle” and surrendering, then gestures at his mouth and smiles without parting his lips. It’s not really a smile, it’s a flinch. She wants to get out of the VW now. A dumb word enters her mind—shenanigans—one of her mother’s. “What sort of shenanigans have you been up to?” Charlotte needs to laugh…shenanigans, shenanigans, shenanigans, she repeats to herself, trying to shrink what’s happening down to a prank.


At the end of the bridge they drop into West Van and she suggests that he let her off at the next corner. “Right here is fine,” she says lightly, trying to sound unfussy, trying not to officially recognize what might be happening, giving him a chance, an out, a merciful lie, and stifling the panic that takes up her chest like a ballooning explosion.


He doesn’t even slow down.


By late morning on the third day they made it well into the lake region. Crossing the Bonaparte River at Scottie Creek, following it east, then turning north before reaching the Deadman River, they simply began to wander. Each lake they passed sat quietly hopeless below them, passive and bound up in woods. It was a cloudless day, the sun bleak and ubiquitous. Most of the bodies of water—lakes, ponds, reservoirs, big and small—were named, but the one the Indian finally led them to had no name, or no name that he knew of, and he knew that country better than any, the outfitter had assured her.


“It is called No-name,” he told them, which made it worse. Saddened her. It seemed to render the lake vulnerable, unqualified for protection, the formalized namelessness of it. And it was embarrassing too, that it had not even merited a name or inspired a friendly idea, a moment of vanity or possession among early visitors—Bonnie’s Lake, Heartwell Pond, Loon Lake. Here they would find Dolly Varden, fish with a proper name, and yet they too would be violated. The named and the un-named. Sooner or later, everything was violated, driven down to the knees of anonymity. Who were we, she wondered, if we were just like everyone else, dirty and wanting and needing, anonymous as we wheeled toward death in our passing cars?


They had arrived late. Reuben grained the horses and the mule, then she helped him stake the animals in a sunny glen near the campsite where there was a variety of wild grasses growing—wheatgrass, wildrye, bluegrass, needlegrass. The needlegrass sewed itself into her socks as she led Abra and Harry’s big chestnut into the glen, the chestnut steadying Abra down to a tentative walk, the trust between them still cautious. For a while Charlotte sat in the shade, picking out the needles, trying not to think. Harry strolled down to the water to make a few casts at the place where a stream left the lake. Every now and then the light touched his fair hair, marking where he stood and acquitting her of thought. So long as Harry Fairbanks was there, believing she was still who she was, she did not have to think too much.


Soon, two Dolly Varden, not like the sleek silvery Rainbows of the night before but fat with a blue blush of color banding their sides and brilliant red spots, swung from a length of cedar that bowed from their weight. Reuben ran switches through them, mouth to tail fin, and they were cooked whole over a fire until their flat glassy eyes hardened, and went as white and opaque as dried beans. Kype-jawed, she had to notice, because it reminded her of the man in the VW with his underslung mouth.


The no-name lake and the cloudless sky and the primeval emptiness were conjuring a desolation all their own, as if bad things had once happened in the place. Even the blue smoke, whorling and quixotic through the trees, seemed baffled. It was too quiet. A breeze that they could not feel up on the slope under the trees was chaffing the surface of the lake, portending trouble they were too ignorant to detect.


After supper, the Indian threw his bag on a tarp down by the water and in the late light stretched out with a book—poems, of all things. She’d seen him with it the night before, and it tended to complicate him in ways she didn’t know how to resolve.


Harry was already in their tent, which from the outset had been a concession to his notion that women needed privacy. Harry could be counted on to give up things for her, and though she did seem to need a great deal of privacy right now, his thoughtfulness was galling. Needing it, she felt ashamed. “I would like to hold you, Charlotte, if you will have that,” he said in a voice so gravely formal that she felt sorry for him, as if what had happened had forced him back to an era when courtships were endless and women chaste as fresh cream.


Out of the question, she heard herself think. What she said while she sorted through some gentler surrogate words was his name, “Harry,” and he took that for assent. Maybe it was—just a little. She kept her back to him though, where the muscles were bigger and blunter and there were fewer nerve endings. Why, you could practically run a needle through them and expect nothing worse than a distant ping of alert, the brain hardly bothering to acknowledge pain so inconsequential, so far away. It seemed a good way to be, distant and removed from injury. You could get on with things that way, keep running, keep keeping on. That was what was expected. But why did people expect such grand things of someone they didn’t know? To keep living, to keep caring? There was a certain brand of universal importunity obtaining, a kind of species-wide peer pressure to buy the line, all the clever lines, and stay alive no matter what. Life is grand, isn’t it? Yes, of course it is. Life is so grand.


Lying there with Harry’s breath on her neck, the bunched sleeping bags generous and soft fortification between them, she thought about the eyes of the Dolly Varden, white and impassive in their deaths. It was how she felt now, if it could be called feeling—sightless and impassive.


“Tell me something good,” he whispered.


“I can’t think of anything good.”


“Then tell me a good lie.”


She said, “I love you.”


Harry gave a laugh that was really just his breath leaving him. “Is that the lie?”


“Water,” she said. “I like water.”


Glad, it seemed, to have found something that might distract her, he asked her what about water.


“The way it feels around my skin, the way it holds everything in place, the pressure of it, like borrowed skin, except I can still move. I can still get away.”


She was no longer sure that she loved Harry Fairbanks, because she was no longer sure who she was, or who the she was who had once upon a time loved him. But one thing she was sure of was that it didn’t matter either way. Nothing mattered. If she could have she would have erased her name to end once and for all, all mattering.


How would it be when they made love again? When she lost herself in touch entirely, which was what happened more often than not? Harry said that she was a sensualist. No more than the next girl, she thought to herself, though she couldn’t help feeling a little ashamed. It was only that she knew how to shut off her mind and for a while live through touch. How would it be if she found herself doing something new? Would he look at her as if he didn’t know her? Would he say something awful…do I owe this to him? “Don’t be insulting, Harry,” she might say. More likely, shame would exile her to the land of silence.


They met on a University-sponsored ski trip to Whistler, Harry one of two leaders commissioned to teach a group of sophomores Nordic skiing. Late one afternoon she had taken off her skis to climb up a tumble of boulders for the view, and one foot had gone out from under her, disappeared down a crevice and wedged. For a slip of girl lacking muscle in her arms, it was all she could do to hang there on winged elbows and bent knee, jackknifed for dear life. Several of her girlfriends skied by but dismissed her calls for help as fraudulent. And it may be that they were, that if she had tried harder she might have been able to extract herself. Out there in the meadow with the others, teaching them telemark turns, was Harry, a marvelous skier, and she knew that sooner or later he would come. His irritation with the others for ignoring her seemed to codify the incident and purify her motivations. The sun perched high behind him, the snow was blinding, the air aglitter with icy crystalline flecks, and she could not see his face as he hooked his arms beneath hers and pulled her from the crevice, suspending her for the longest time so that she might work her boot free from the crack. She’d been up there more than an hour, and her hands had gone white. What he did was to lift his parka, his turtleneck, and press her hands in the warm hollows of his underarms. “No,” she said, “they’re too cold.” They were too cold. But he only gazed at her, into her eyes, with the intensity of someone sure of himself, of all the right things that there were to do in the world if only you’d had a good solid life, one that let you believe in things. Harry was happiest when he was helping someone. On her warmed hands his scent, with its salty tang of authority and exertion, suggested all she needed to know about him as a man. His upper lip quirked into an unexpected and unabashed show of passion. Instantly, as if some ancient cog had ground round at last to catch up another cog long ago meant to have been caught, the machinery moving now and something back there in the crowded cluttered clanking works beginning to sing, their meeting animated a classical dynamic: distress and rescue, innocence and protection.


Now Charlotte wondered how much she had not seen gazing up at Harry in that dazzling white light. How much she had tricked him into imagining about her.


Sleep was a valuable enterprise. She was not sleeping so well. Night terrors; gory images; weird sex. How was it that these terrible things were inside her? Where did they come from?


Human beings were horrible, one way or another. God curse us, everyone.


She reaches for the door handle, ready to jump out as soon as he has to brake at a light or a stop sign, to jump out no matter the stopping, the going, but the door doesn’t open because the door’s locked and at the base of the window the up-down button is missing. He says something, something that goes with another flinching smile. Charlotte can’t remember that part, what it is that he says at the very moment she understands with every cell in her body that she’s no longer a part of the world out there, the one washing by her window; she belongs to this world inside the VW, and the other world, her world, is past and gone now, zooming out and away like the expanding shock waves of an explosion.


He takes her into the neighborhood where she lives with Harry. The man doesn’t know it and she decides not to tell him. Maybe she is protecting it, her home. Or maybe it is as if she has already said goodbye. Has already entered this new order. They roll by the house; she can see the lawnmower where Harry left it by the side gate, and the three pots of herbs on the front stoop. She is supposed to water them when she gets home. It is the only moment that opens a thin crack, a welling of tears. Time is stopped, or ripping past, or launching her into fright—it has so completely lost its measured and faithful validity.


He is holding himself. He may have been holding himself for a while, maybe six or eight turns, one quotidian block devolving into another, all the houses with trimmed lawns and topiaried hedges gazing sightlessly on her and her captor as they pass by in the slowed motion of nightmares and car accidents and suicide jumps from window ledges. She never learns his name. No-name. He takes her just four streets away, to a cul-de-sac formed by the western edge of Lynn Canyon, and turns off the engine.


“You don’t need to do this,” she says.


“Now, why is that?” he asks.


She can’t really hear him; she seems to see the words in her mind, minus whatever personality inhabits his voice.


“You’re a perfectly nice looking fellow.” Having just seen her home with all its now bygone promise and possibility has imparted some strange state of calmness, as if just seeing it must mean she will see it again. At the same time it is as if she was viewing old photographs in the album of a lost life. “You can ask girls out. You could ask me out,” she adds, trading in a concept that belongs entirely to this new order. The one that is telling her that she must survive.


The knife has been there all along—she realizes that. It must have lain alongside her backpack, slightly hidden, occupying his right hand whenever he wasn’t shifting. A long steel blade like the kind her father uses to carve meat. When he isn’t touching the knife, he’s holding himself. There is a lot of flesh rising between them, flesh and steel.


“I would go out with you. If you asked me out properly, I would accept. You’re a nice looking fellow. You don’t need to do this.”


“Describe it,” he tells her.


It takes her a little too long to understand what he wants, and he has to say it again.


She does what she is told to do. That and the other things. He wants her underwear; she removes them, he puts them in the bag with the broccoli while she pulls her pants back up. So far he has not touched her, and she takes this as a good sign. She has been instructed to touch him, but he has not actually touched her. Maybe, after all, he’s just a piss-ant, a coward. She begins to feel sorry for him, to need this badly, to take these actions; she is, in fact, embarrassed for him. Her own base instincts, like that one at the very bottom, the one that is telling her to stay alive, she is still reticent to expose. Exposing her own needs would put her at his mercy. Right now she still owns some of the action, some of what will end up being deeds.


She talks about school, about her life, peppering the surface of this new world with casual chatter, as if they are indeed on a date. She never mentions Harry. She says again, “Why don’t we go out for a regular date? We could do that, we could just go out on a date. I would like that.”


It may be that he did touch her. But she just can’t remember that part.


They have entered a place that is a time without name. It is all action, with deed as the outcome of that action, the past tense of action. Or maybe the past tense of action was regret. Time and space are one in such scenes. And she is trapped in such a scene before it must be condemned to deed.


That night, Reuben told her, she went down to the lake, walking into the black water with great quietude and courage, as if there was someone out there she was scheduled to save. She was wearing one of Harry’s white undershirts, and so was visible even in the snuffed light of the new moon and the hard little stars pinned into the night sky. Thirty or forty yards out, she stopped and floated on her back. Then she began to swim toward shore. He could see the white of the undershirt and hear the movement of the water, and he knew—he told her—that she was at home in water, and so he was not yet concerned. It wasn’t until she reached the shallows and the sloping bank touched her feet that she awakened. And then immediately he entered the water to catch her, her breath coming sharp and fast.


“You were asleep,” he said.


She stared at him. He still had his short strong arms around her rib cage. He was not an attractive human being, his face too broad and his skin damaged, but he had the sweetest eyes she’d ever seen. She started to cry then, crumpling against him.


“To see in this darkness what you don’t know…” he settled her on her feet before him and opened his palms to the hard little stars, and nodded, “that is something. But to see what you don’t want to see…”


Once, when her father had gone off to a conference in Toronto for four days, her mother had all the stone in the house painted white. One coat for every day that he was absent, so that by the time he returned, the glossy paint was so thick, and still not quite cured, that you could press tiny frowns into it with your thumb nail. Her father had loved that stone wall surrounding the hearth; had laid it himself; had run his hands across its rough surface in thought, in boredom, in appreciation of its tactile proximity to earth.


She had every tree on the place cut down, too, even the Mountain Ash he had nursed from a seedling.


She slashed a giant X into the mattress and packed the wound with rotted apples from the neighbor’s orchard. Then she used the knife to carve words into her arm, not so deep to kill, but still legible: a pity about the nights in bed.


So. So…her father had seen what he had not wanted to see.


They have been parked on an ordinary neighborhood street, houses facing other houses and at the end, a guardrail that keeps cars from plunging over the bank and down into Lynn Canyon. They are stopped parallel to the guardrail. It is not yet the time when families have all arrived home from work or school, and the street is quiet, though she is hopeful that inside one or more of the houses there are people beginning to wonder about the turquoise VW parked on their street. He tells her—and once again, she can’t really hear his voice, can only see the words scurrying across her mind like terrible rats in the Devil’s own penny arcade—that they, meaning he and she (they are a couple, it seems, in this new order), they are going to go down into the canyon together. He doesn’t pretend to anything ordinary, like a nature hike or even a fete of groping and drinking that young people enjoy under trees and beside bodies of water. He says: “We are going to go down there now.”


“Why?” she asks. The fear that she has held back suddenly dissolves into some kind of icy liquid metal veining through her body.


“I’m taking you down there now.”


“Why can’t we just have a date, a real date? You don’t have to do this.”


He says things… about how she looks and that he’s sorry she had to be so pretty.


Had.


“I’ll come around to the door and let you out,” he says finally.


“You don’t need to do that. I can let myself out. It will look funny, if you come round to let me out. People might notice. And anyway, you can trust me now, can’t you, to let myself out? Here we’ve been sitting and talking about everything under the sun, and a date, a real date, and surely you can trust me now to let myself out of the car.” In truth, it is only she who has been talking.


“A date,” he says, flinching up his smile, emitting a huff.


“Sure.”


He studies his reflection in the knife blade. “I don’t believe you.”


“Look, I’ll give you my number…” she fumbles in her backpack for a pencil, a piece of paper, adding cheerfully, “Friday’s best for me. Only one class, early. You can pick me up in the same place.”


Somehow, it is this flurry of routine date-making details that causes him to hesitate. Looking not quite confused and not exactly off balance, maybe wobbled, maybe even the slightest bit pleased, he accepts the piece of paper she extends, her number and address—both false—scrawled on it. For a half a second he seems to belong to, or to recognize, the old world, the real world, not the one he has been busy creating inside the VW. Then he reaches in his breast pocket and extracts the up-down button for the door lock and simply hands it to her. He zips himself up. If they go down there she figures that he will have to kill her. In every terrible chaos of action and details, there is usually one point of exit best recognized by someone down there in the cellar where good and bad, black and white, freely consort. This is her point of exit. At the same time, she has accepted this new world so wholly, and acted so well across its stage, that she is actually worrying about hurting his feelings even as she casually, casually, screws the button back in place, opens the door, and runs.


He starts the engine and as he spins the car away he throws her backpack out the still-open passenger door.


No backpack, no identification, no name, no blame.


So, after all, he is a piss-ant, a coward.


The door is open at the first house she comes to, the screen door in place. A man is sitting on a couch in a dimly lit family room, watching the television. She cries through the screen door, “Help me, please, he tried to rape me, I need help! I need a phone…police…”


The man says, “I don’t want to get involved,” and rises to shut the door.


Next door, a woman in a kitchen, her husband approaching behind her. Charlotte says the words again. The woman picks up the phone. Her husband leads Charlotte into a living room, a cozy quiet sanctuary where good lives have gone on, and offers her a place on the couch. When the RCMP arrive, the couple hover in the doorway, looking worried about Charlotte, looking beautifully wonderfully human.


The kindness of strangers.


The owl woke her up. Harry was already gone. It was sitting in the Doug fir that towered over the tent, looking for the world like a small amputated human being, all torso. Heart’s home. Somewhere not so far away that she couldn’t tell its northerly direction, was another Great Horned Owl responding to hers, questioning her identity. Who, who, who. She did not feel so bad, or not as bad as she thought she would after the sleepwalking.


They were probably fishing. It was early, only five, and they had to have gone down to the lake to cast when the fish would be feeding.


Comfortably abandoned, she squizzled back into her sleeping bag, glad for the time alone and sad for it, as well. All the mornings of her world with Harry would be spent like this, with him gone off to work and the silence of the house and a day, already fractured, that she must learn to piece together. But how? She hadn’t given herself much of a chance, had she? She’d stuck out her foot and tripped herself at every turn, hoping for someone to pick her up, someone who might restore what had been taken a very long time ago.


Overhead, the owl who-who-ed again.


And if she didn’t know who she was, how could Harry? If she had to conceal so much of herself, lie about the unsavory bits, or maybe it was mostly the unlucky bits, to hold him, then she could not finally keep him. To have and hold him, she had to consent to letting him go. The idea of leaving him felt brave and cleansing. Even noble.


Anyway, she couldn’t have told him everything, how people survived one blow or another, that sort of thing. Mothers who had gone round the twist, piss-ants who would as soon kill you as date you. It was no one’s business how one survived; survival was a private matter, and the capacity to inhabit other worlds, however temporary, to understand a murderer’s heart, for instance, or the strange everywhereness of knives and fear, was no one else’s concern. Harry Fairbanks had never had anything, really, to survive. It was Harry who was the innocent.


Finding in this realization a hard satisfaction, something she might feel, like a flat stone in her pocket, as she walked away, Charlotte tried to smile, tightening the sleeping bag around her shoulders. A fine mist of condensation had formed on the ceiling of the tent, evidence of breath and warm-bloodedness, and she reached up to run a finger through it…Charlotte, she wrote, the name disappearing even as it took shape.


In memory what was a life anyway but a series of tableaux vivants that you visited now and then, like any tourist? Harry, her fellow tourist, appreciative, eager to believe, had thought that she was actually living when what she’d been up to was arranging things for his, and perhaps everyone else’s, approval. What was left now to believe in? What was real?


Briefly, she thought of the Indian’s solemn expectant face, the way little girls’ faces were….


But people do survive, she thought again. Somehow people survive, though the means are not always salubrious. Of course, it may have been better not to have survived. At the very least, there would have been some clarity in that. Things would have made better sense, responsibilities assigned, punishments meted out, rewards awarded. Her mother had not survived, not intact. Her father was in Ottawa, making an ad-hoc go of things. Their little family had been cut down back in Penticton, right along with all those trees. But Harry’s parents…even dying, they had survived together. What a marvelous legacy.


The owl overhead had been silent for a while.


She would have to tell Harry that she had been hitchhiking, or tell the authorities—someone who might keep it from happening again to someone else.


She felt strong and somehow better—briefly—than the human that she suspected she might be.


Harry. Thinking his name, she wanted to cry. Beautiful man.


Harry was the sort of person you became if you’d had a normal life.


Harry was also the nicest thing that had ever happened to her, rendering him wholly unbelievable.


It was best, really, to remove herself from his life. She simply didn’t deserve him. He would argue with her, but it was not an argument he could win. He had never been much good at the mazy logic of emotions.


An exciting and headlong uncertainty rushed over her. She could do anything she wanted, wreck anything she felt like wrecking. No one would care. She might even secretly survive, which would make for a different sort of wreckage. Live a solid, solitary life, independent of anyone, needing no one. She could be a gardener, a landscape architect, as they called them now, helping things to grow and thrive. People might even admire her solitariness, her way with plants; might wonder among themselves about Charlotte as she aged away from the possibilities that radiated like rolling green fields around youth.


A sound suddenly, then in the next moment a shadow spreading over the tent, followed by the laborious whoop-whoop of the owl’s wings lifting him heavily away. Everything fell before it could rise. Even great owls.


With the owl’s departure, Charlotte decided to pay a visit to Abra, say hello. The long grass was soft and dewy up to her knees, and she was glad to be barefoot in the cool morning, glad that Harry was gone and that she had had the owl to herself, glad to have Abra to visit. Dropping over the rise and down toward the glen, she saw that all three horses were gone; Reuben too she discovered gone. Only the mule remained to eye her dolefully and waggle its halter, asking for grain and attention. What every creature needed and sometimes deserved.


Rushing back to the camp, she found everything eerily in place—grub boxes, tackle, the fishing rods secured against a tree, last night’s plates stacked on a log. The lid to the coffee pot was off and the pot itself filled with water and sitting on the grate, but no one had started the breakfast fire. A loaf of bread sat on a board, one piece sliced, the knife half embedded in the loaf for another piece. Off to the side Reuben’s tarp lay neatly folded with a stone on top to hold it down. His book of poems too, and the cottonwood root he’d been carving. She picked it up. It was Abra, her angular face and in-pointing ears. Had he carved it for her? Harry’s can of peanuts was just over there in the pine duff, exactly where he had left it when they’d been drinking whisky the night before, waiting for supper.


Why had they left her? Where? Why hadn’t they waked her? How could they have left without her? Something terrible had happened and they had simply left her. Or something wonderful, and they had ridden off to see it and had forgotten her. Or she was too small, too weak, too much trouble, not worth it… She glanced over at the tent, the Doug fir towering over it, the owl gone. The air, the trees, the water, all perfectly still, the absence of sound frightening, as if the world had sucked back into itself and left her utterly alone to fend for herself.


Abruptly it seemed important to be dressed, to have some protective coating, to be ready. In the tent she pulled on her boots and a wool sweater. Still cold, she dragged the sleeping bag with her to the stump she had occupied the afternoon before, and sat to wait. Her legs felt leaden, her hands were shaking. They had taken her horse, too. They had taken her way to get away. The mule was no good. You couldn’t escape on a mule inured to pack. And anyway, where to go? How to go? And what if it wasn’t Harry who came back, or Reuben? What if it was someone else who found her there alone, who might take advantage, who might hurt her? Nothing was as it once was; everything felt empty and alien and hollowed out with menace. The world was no place to be.


If she hadn’t reason enough to leave Harry Fairbanks before, she did now. He would pay for this. If he came back, he would pay.


She had never been that important to Harry, never—she realized that now. Perhaps she had known all along. It was his work, his colleagues, like Alex, who really mattered. Who held his interest. He had a whole life, rich and rewarding, and she was just…just a girl. Or another one of the subjects he had swiftly dispatched.


For the first time in her life, she hadn’t the faintest idea what she would do. As if to sort it out somehow, to stumble upon the thing she must do, she got up and walked down to the lake, looked at the water, flat and impervious, knelt to feel the temperature—a swimmer’s habit—without really noticing it once she had. She went and looked at the mule again, who this time ignored her. She stared at the impressions left in the long grass where the other three animals had stood and stamped for oats. No good at making fires or at cooking over one, and not even remotely hungry, she nevertheless picked up Harry’s tin of peanuts and rattled it gently, carefully replacing it within its perfect circle in the duff. As afterthought, she kicked it away, finally surrendering to tears and the increasingly familiar chaos of fear.


If Harry returned she would not submit to him, to his reliable kindness, his love, his male assuredness, his categorized food. Whoever she was or might become, it was equal to Harry Fairbanks—different, but equal.


God, she hoped he would come back to her! Then she might properly leave him—on her watch. But just to see him again, coming toward her….


It was two hours before they returned, trailing Abra, lathered and wild-eyed.


She threw her head back and released a sound that might have been a word, or a hundred words.


“We almost lost her,” Harry called to her with a big smile. His face was red, his eyes brightly popped with that incurable enthusiasm of his, and he looked for the first time not so perfect.


Charlotte was already up from the stump, taking Abra’s halter, touching her neck. “You okay, girl?”


“She made it all the way to the other side of the lake, she was tearing up to the plateau like the world was on fire.”


“Well, it was,” Charlotte said, “in her mind.” She pressed her face into the crease behind the Arabian’s soft ears. “Abracadabra,” she whispered. Then she turned to Reuben, not yet ready to look at Harry. “There was an owl right over the tent.”


“An honor.”


“Yes, I know,” she said without really knowing why or how she knew, without caring about her tears.


Harry was beside her, one hand squeezing her shoulder and the other on the chestnut’s bridle.


“I don’t ride well,” she said to him coolly.


“Who could ride this screwy mare?”


“Don’t be so tolerant, Harry. It’s rather mean, when you think about it. And no, I don’t ride any horse very well. Never have.”


She looked up at him then, feeling ready finally for something unnamable but essential. “And don’t do that again. Go off without waking me, without telling me something.”


He tipped his head and removed the hand that had rested so comfortably on her shoulder, and shoved it into his pocket. “All right, Charlotte.”


Charlotte, not Char, she noticed. He was looking at her differently, as if she had changed her hair or something, but not without a curious bit of appreciation. “I guess I’m still getting used to being two.”


“Yes,” she said, “well, I suppose we all are.”




© 2013 by Lynn Stegner


 
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